The Remote: Part III

Wide shot of the interior of the office. Suddenly, JOHNSON emerges from his cubicle carrying his monitor and yelling as he runs for the window.

2 - Ext. Office - Day - 2

The monitor explodes out from the window.

3 - Int. Office - Day - 3

JOHNSON turns from the hole in the window to face his co-workers, all staring from their offices and cubicles.

A beat. JOHNSON catches his breath, lifts the remote, and...

Suddenly, we're back inside JOHNSON's cubicle. His monitor is returned to its normal spot, and JOHNSON is sitting, still holding the remote like he was before.

Short montage here: JOHNSON smacks his attractive female co-worker's rear in passing, JOHNSON dances on his desk, JOHNSON watches his building burn from the parking lot.

4 - Int. BOSS's Office - Day - 4

Inside the BOSS's office, the BOSS at his desk. The inside of this office is just as the rest of the setting - gray, mostly. We see photographs on the BOSS's desk, but, instead of his family, there are pictures of his car and of him at the pool with babes. Also on the desk: a protein shake, several empty Red Bulls, and a bodybuilding magazine.

The BOSS himself is blonde, good-looking, and wearing an expensive suit. He works at his computer, until JOHNSON enters.

The BOSS stands up upon seeing JOHNSON, who strolls straight up to his superior and, before either one has time to say anything, punches him straight in the nose. There's an audible crack at connection.

BOSS (enraged)
Johnson, what the fuck is your problem?

JOHNSON pulls out the remote smoothly.

JOHNSON
Oh, no problem, boss.

He clicks the remote.

Nothing happens.

He clicks at again, and then again. His BOSS is still in front of him, dripping blood from a broken nose. JOHNSON, meanwhile, is at a loss for words - his remote is suddenly broken.

Cut to JOHNSON, still clutching the remote, then to the BOSS, his reddening face clearly showing his rage. The BOSS inhales and prepares to scream.

Freeze.

On-screen: THE REMOTE.

The Remote: Part II

Back inside the cubicle, JOHNSON's phone rings. He reaches for it as he peruses a piece of paper from the stack, and, as he does so, he accidentally knocks all of the files and the remote onto the floor. He swears and picks up the phone.

JOHNSON (flustered)
Hello? Hello? No, I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

He hangs up, frustrated, and leans down to pick up what he dropped. He picks up the remote first and tosses it on the desk, button-side down.

Insert: the remote hitting the desk with enough force to press the button.

JOHNSON leans back down to get the rest of the papers.

They aren't there.

He leans back up towards his desk, and, there they are - exactly how they were before he dropped them. He looks at the ground again, then back up at the papers.

A beat. JOHNSON continues to stare around. Was this a trick? Did anyone see? He back at his papers, and then notices, finally: the remote.

Another beat.

JOHNSON, now starting to understand what we've realized from the beginning, picks a pen from a mug on his desk and puts it carefully on the desk in front of him.

JOHNSON regards the pen. The pen regards JOHNSON. JOHNSON blinks, and then he presses the remote.

The pen is back in the mug.

JOHNSON stares. He stares for a while, I mean, because what do you do when you figure this kind of thing out, and then JOHNSON - God have mercy on his soul - JOHNSON smiles.

The Remote: Part I

1 - Int. Office - Day - 1

Close-up of a small package neatly wrapped in brown paper.

Further out: the package is sitting on a gray desk in a gray cubicle. The cubicle itself is overwhelmingly non-descript - a computer, a stapler, a few file folders.

Further out once more, now from the outside of the cubicle looking in. The package remains visible.

ON-SCREEN: THE REMOTE

Enter JOHNSON, young, with dark hair, in a short-sleeved white shirt and a gray plaid tie. He glances at his watch to find he’s a little late. He puts his briefcase down next to his desk and then, as he goes to sit down, notices a massive stack of papers on his chair. He picks a sticky note off the top.

Insert: the note, which reads, “I needed these yesterday!!! Get them to me ASAP!”

JOHNSON sighs and crinkles up the note.

He picks up the papers and put them all on his desk, and then, sitting, turns to his computer.

Then he notices the package.

He examines it briefly, turning it over in his hands - it’s clear he doesn’t know what or from whom it is. He tears into it with his letter opener.

Inside the paper lies a remote, dark, with one small replay button and nothing else.

JOHNSON inspects the remote for a moment. We see him examining it from outside his cubicle, where a woman walks by in a dark pantsuit.

From inside the cubicle again: JOHNSON, finding nothing else to do with it, presses the replay button.

Nothing seems to have happened. He puts down the remote on his desk and turns to the stack of papers.

From outside the cubicle, though, we see the woman in the pantsuit walk by again - from the same direction as last time.

Briefly Imagined Conversations

2:30 AM, a dark dorm room. SAM is getting into bed.

SAM
Alright body, it's pretty late and I have a midterm pretty early tomorrow. Time to go to sleep.

BODY
Nah.

A beat. SAM freezes.

SAM
What?

BODY
Nah, not really feeling the whole sleep thing right now.

SAM
What do you mean you're "not really feeling the whole sleep thing right now"?

BODY
I'm just not really tired. It's not sleep time.

SAM
It's 2:30 in the morning.

BODY
Yeah, I know, we'll sleep later. I got you, bud.

SAM
No, I have class later! We have to sleep now.

BODY
No, no man. Sleep later. This is the "lie horizontally in the dark and be alert and worrying about the future" time. Should last about forty-five minutes I'd say.

SAM
Forty-five minutes?

BODY
Yeah, and then we'll sleep for like a good nine hours. Shit will be so cash.

SAM
No, no, listen to me: we can't sleep later. I have to be up early tomorrow. This is when we have to do this.

BODY
No, remember that twenty minute nap you took at 4:00? That means we can't sleep for another 11 hours.

SAM
What?

BODY
Yep.

SAM pauses for thought. He turn onto his back. His roommate sniffs.

SAM
Okay, look: I'm just going to lie completely still until you get tired. Please, please, please try to do it as soon as you can.

Another beat. SAM lies completely still.

BODY
I'm hungry.

Conversations after the End of the World

1 - Day - Main Street - 1

In the small, post-apocalyptic New England town, things are quiet. The air is red and dirty, the sun is too hot, nothing moves saves the occasional plastic bag blown by a tiny, hot breeze. All human life has been destroyed, with two exceptions. They are about to meet.

Onscreen over the town: CONVERSATIONS AFTER THE END OF THE WORLD

Enter GIRL, from the town's grocery store. She's pretty in the way everyone watching her wants her to be, and her clothes are as dirty as everything around her. Her hair is long and tied back. Her hands are small. She has an eco-friendly grocery bag slung over one shoulder and a shotgun held low in her opposite hand. She wanders across the street, sits down at a bench, and digs through her bag for an old-looking orange. She eats it.

As GIRL continues eating her orange, a low rumbling is heard in the distance. It grows louder. She hears it and puts away her orange.

2 - Day - Town - 2

Overhead shot. A white, beat-up Escalade is speeding into town towards main street.

3 - Day - Main Street - 3

The GIRL, still sitting on the bench, looks down the street towards the barreling SUV. As it passes her, the occupant inside its blacked-out windows must spy her - it screeches to a loud halt thirty yards down the road from her.

A beat.

The door of the Escalade opens, and BOY steps out. He's on the short side and has the kind of face so forgettable you'd probably end up asking his name four times. He stands next to the car and stares at GIRL, who stares right back.

Another beat, then he approaches her. He sits next to her on the bench.

BOY
Hey, I'm Lot, what's your name?

GIRL
Jenny.

They sit awkwardly.

BOY
Where are you from?

GIRL
New York.

BOY
City, or state?

GIRL
New York state. Just outside of Albany.

BOY
Oh, really? My grandparents lived in Highland.

GIRL (vaguely)
Oh, cool.

Another pause.

BOY
So, yeah. How's the zombie uprising been treating you so far?

GIRL
Okay, I guess. You?

BOY
Yeah, pretty okay. I mean like it's not quite what I expected, but I'm adjusting okay.

GIRL
Yeah, yeah.

A beat.

BOY
Well.

Amy Vanderbilt and the Rude Zombies

ONSCREEN: AMY VANDERBILT's eyes, looking fearful. She walks forward.

NANCY (V.O., whispered)
They can't know you're not one of them, Amy.

Flashes quickly: MALE ZOMBIE 1 - who appears perfectly human - spitting on the sidewalk.

AMY keeps walking. We see her now from the shoulders up. The street around her is full of people, wandering aimlessly and in a very rude manner.

NANCY (V.O., whispered)
Our old world, that's gone now. You have to understand this. You have to blend in.

Flashes quickly: MALE ZOMBIE 2 yawning in a business meeting. He fails to cover his mouth.

AMY keeps walking.

NANCY (V.O., whispered)
We look the same. At least there's that. You can do this. They'll never know.

Flashes quickly: FEMALE ZOMBIE 1 receiving an inappropriately garish gift from MALE ZOMBIE 3. She does not tell him how inappropriate it is.

AMY turns the city corner and walks into a ZOMBIE.

AMY
Excuse me.

A beat.

All the ZOMBIES attack.
ON SCREEN OVER BLACK: AMY VANDERBILT AND THE RUDE ZOMBIES
ON SCREEN OVER BLACK: COMING SOON

Very Angry Commercials

1 - Int. Train Station - Day - 1

The ATTRACTIVE MAN looks across the track and sees the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN in the car opposite himself. It's not his train, but he's in love, and what can you do? He whips out his phone in a way that makes it very clear that all is not lost. He quickly hits the giant "change ticket" button, and then he's picked up his bags and he's off.

2 - Int. Train - Day - 1

Inside the train, the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN stares wistfully out the window whil ethe doors close with a whoosh. The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN turns to her purse in the seat next to her, but then, suddenly, at eye level: the bottom of a familiar green sweater!

ATTRACTIVE MAN
Is this seat taken?

3 - Ext. Train - Day - 3

Through the window: the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN moves her purse, the ATTRACTIVE MAN sits down next to her. The train rolls slowly out of the station.

4 - Int. Train - Day - 4

The ATTRACTIVE MAN and ATTRACTIVE WOMAN are having an attractive conversation.

ATTRACTIVE MAN (continued)
And that's when I found five dollars.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN laughs hysterically. She wipes away tears.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
I've only known you for thirteen seconds, but I already feel very comfortable with you, as evidenced by my easy laugh.

ATTRACTIVE MAN
You will make our children delicious sandwiches. I will take out the garbage. You will give me knowing smiles as I leave for work in our attractive car.

The CONDUCTOR wanders over.

CONDUCTOR
Tickets, please.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN smiles and hands her ticket to the CONDUCTOR. The ATTRACTIVE MAN takes out his phone.

ATTRACTIVE MAN
I used my phone to change my ticket.

CONDUCTOR
What?

ATTRACTIVE MAN
I used the "change ticket" button. It was so big I felt like an above-the-shoulder camera shot could have seen it! Gosh.

CONDUCTOR
That's not- you need a physical ticket. Have you ever ridden a train before?

ATTRACTIVE MAN
Of course. Didn't you see my travel-worn duffel bag in the overhead bin?

CONDUCTOR
You need to have a ticket! What is wrong with you?

ATTRACTIVE MAN
I told you, I pressed the-

CONDUCTOR
We don't have a change ticket button. Last minute cancellations cost, like, seventy dollars, and you can't make them on the platform with your phone.

A beat.

CONDUCTOR
This is- massively- this is so inconvenient. Why would you do this to us? Why- forget it. I need you to get up.

Another beat.

CONDUCTOR

Dammit.

Three Minutes from the Day it Rained Watermelon

11:13 AM
B_____, Delaware

MARY
What's happening?

COLIN
It's raining watermelon. I mean watermelon.

MARY
Like the fruit?

COLIN
Yes, the fruit.

11:14 AM
W_____, PA

GEORGE
Fluffy! What- how did this happen?

FLUFFY
(whimpering noises)

GEORGE
This is terrible. Is that watermelon? Jesus.

11:15 AM
A_____, NY

ELEANOR
Gosh, it's really coming down out there.

LARRY (from bathroom, shaving)
Oh yeah?

ELEANOR
Yes. Plus, that's definitely watermelon.

LARRY
Don't call me melon. And what else would it rain?

Love and Videogames

Curtain opens very tight on two desks, two chairs, and two computers - a small portion of the Friday night LAN party at a local internet cafe. PLAYER 1 is at the left computer, playing a game. He faces the audience.

Beside both of the desks are two large televisions hooked up to the computers, displaying what's happening on the computer. PLAYER 1 is doing pretty well on his game. The other screen is a screensaver.

PLAYER 2 walks on and sits at the other computer. He stares at the monitor. PLAYER 1 looks at him, then turns back to the computer.

PLAYER 1
What's going on, man?

PLAYER 2
I've made a huge mistake.

PLAYER 1 keeps playing.

PLAYER 2
You know that girl who comes here sometimes? She plays, like, sick pyro and everything?

PLAYER 1
Sure.

PLAYER 2
I was just talking to her, right? And last time we were kind of joking around about her bringing me a Mountain Dew for me to drink this week while I'm playing.

PLAYER 1's character dies. He sits back from the computer and waits for the respawn.

PLAYER 1
Speaking of playing, do you want to, like, play? I could seriously use some medicking here.

PLAYER 2
Medic - that's not a verb. You could use a med-

PLAYER 1
Yeah, okay. I could use a-

PLAYER 2
I'm just saying, maybe you could use some healing or something.

PLAYER 1
Just stop griping and get on the damn game.

PLAYER 2 grumbles a bit about verbs as he turns to his computer and opens up the game.

PLAYER 2
So anyway, we're talking about this Mountain Dew thing.

PLAYER 1
I'm on the server we use all the time.

PLAYER 2
The server we use all the time.

PLAYER 1
Yeah, I'm on that server.

PLAYER 2
You're saying the server we use every time - all the time - one hundred percent of the time. You're on that one. That's the one you want me to know you're on.

PLAYER 1 (clueless)
Yeah, man! Connect or whatever!

A beat. PLAYER 2 connects or whatever. There is some silence as his game loads the server. He selects his class - not a medic - and begins playing.

PLAYER 2
She forgot the Mountain Dew, though. That's the thing. She forgot it.

PLAYER 1
Huh?

PLAYER 2
The Mountain Dew she promised me last week. She forgot it.

PLAYER 1
Oh yeah, right.

PLAYER 2
So she says, "oh," you know, like, "I forgot your soda. How can I make it up to you?"

Silence. A spy saps one of the engineer's buildings on PLAYER 1's screen.

PLAYER 1
Spy! Spy, there's a spy. That soldier is a spy.

PLAYER 2
"How can I make it up to you?!" That is just asking for it! I could have just said you can go on a date with me on Friday. Why didn't I say that?

PLAYER 1
Right, man, you've got to- the spy is going to get away. He's cloaking hit him hit him! Ax, man! Use your ax.

PLAYER 2
I just said you can bring me one next week.

PLAYER 2 kills the spy.

PLAYER 1
Good, good, now, can we get some more people around here? [Shouting to the surrounding, off-stage LAN partiers] Can we get some more people around me and player 2? We're going to go for the flag and we need a few more people.

Murmurs of assent from off-stage, but no one is appearing on screen.

PLAYER 2
I don't even like Mountain Dew. What is wrong with me? You can just bring me some next week.

PLAYER 1
Hey, alright, I don't see anyone here. Where are you guys?

PLAYER 2
I bet that could have been something sweet she could have found out about me, that that whole Mountain Dew thing was just an excuse to talk to her.

PLAYER 1
Seriously, no one?

PLAYER 2 (suddenly paying attention to the game)
Let's just go without them.

PLAYER 1
No man, that'll never work. It's safer to wait for a few more guys.

PLAYER 2 starts to run his guy out of the base.

PLAYER 2
I'm sick of doing what's safe! I always just do what's safe! I want to take a risk!

PLAYER 1
What are you talking about, man? Where are you running off to?

His character is running out the door.

PLAYER 2
I want to go! I don't want to be cautious. I just want to-

In the daylight, outside his base, PLAYER 2 is sniped like a n00b. The respawn screen turns on.

PLAYER 1
I told you that would happen. Hey, listen, will you switch classes? I need someone to medic me.

Blackout.

Storage

1 - Ext. Storage Facilities - Morning - 1

An early August morning - hot and humid. You know this kind of dawn, when the dew gets in the grass deep and your shoes get as wet as your armpits and the sun rises fast and ugly before six.

2 - Ext. HANK's Car - Morning - 2
HANK's 1989 Aries is parked outside the site's chain link fence. Its blue paint is faded and chipping.

3 - Int. HANK's Car - Morning - 3

HANK's cargo shorts are sticking to the driver's seat, his Hawaiian shirt soaked with sweat, a woven fedora doing little to conceal his shiny scalp and thinning, wispy hair. He's talking on the phone.

HANK
Listen man, you'll get the stuff or my name isn't Hank Havner.

A pause.

HANK
I know. I would have paid the rent last night if you had given me the cash, but now we lost the storage and I have to bid just like everyone el-

He is cut off. He listens. Whoever he's talking to doesn't sound happy.

HANK
Sorry - yeah - okay. I know, it's totally my fault. You don't have to do that.

A further pause.

HANK
I'll win the auction. It's all in boxes, and they're not allowed to open anything. No one will know any of it's mine or that it's worth anything. As long as I act casual, I'm just another bidder on some random crap.

A shorter pause, then:

HANK
Yeah, listen, they're about to start. I gotta get down there.

4 - Ext. Storage Facilities - Morning - 4

Wide shot. HANK gets out of his car and hustles down through the gate down towards where a crowd is gathered around outside of one the storage units.

Overlay on screen: STORAGE
Overlay on screen: FEATURING...

5 - Ext. Unit Eleven - Morning - 5

HANK approaches a group of around twenty or twenty-five people milling around outside storage unit eleven. He slows to a walk and examines the crowd. JAMES is standing on top of a milk crate right next to the unit's door, a head above the crowd.

Freeze frame on HANK. Overlay on screen: HANK HAVNER as THE PROTAGONIST.

On resuming: HANK bumps into LESLIE, who gives him a dirty look. She's a teenage girl with a prada purse and a scowl that could kill a plant. He doesn't notice and doesn't apologize.

Freeze frame on LESLIE, looking annoyed. Overlay on screen: LESLIE BRADFORD as THE OPPOSITION.

On resuming: JAMES glances at his watch.

JAMES
Okay everyone, settle down.

Freeze frame on JAMES. Overlay on screen: With JAMES SHURGARD as THE AUCTIONEER.

On resuming: WAYNE, a maintenance man at the storage place, strolls by at the back of the crowd. He looks over at JAMES.

Freeze frame on WAYNE: Overlay on screen: And WAYNE HUGHES as THE TWIST.

WAYNE walks on away from the crowd.

JAMES
Settle down folks! I'm not going to ask you again.

They settle down. JAMES looks pleased.

JAMES
The unit up for auction today just defaulted yesterday. I'm going to open up the doors here in a second, but I'd just like to remind everyone of the rules.

A collective groan goes up from the crowd, except for HANK, who looks more confused.

JAMES
You can't touch anything. Bid on what you see. After you win, you have until nine to get organized and clear everything out. Everyone understand?

There are murmurs of agreement.

JAMES
Good. I'll give you a few minutes.

JAMES jumps down to open the garage door to unit eleven. As it slides up, the crowd quiets down. There finally settles upon them a stifling silence. They stare.

Inside: boxes. Boxes and boxes and boxes, all stacked and closed and sealed sight.

And labelled, too. Every one of them, in thick black sharpie and all caps: "HANK HAVNER".

The crowd wanders into the unit. There is not much to see - just more boxes. They whisper quietly.

HANK follows, hanging towards the back.

6 - Int. Unit 11 - Morning - 6

The fluorescent overhead lights flicker on. Another CUSTOMER meanders over by HANK. Both are taking stock of the boxes.

CUSTOMER
Weird lot, huh?

HANK (indicating the rest of the crowd)
Oh yeah, these guys? Yeah, the weirdest! Is this your first time also?

CUSTOMER
I meant the lot that's up for auction.

HANK
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There is an awkward pause.

HANK
What exactly do you look for in a... lot?

CUSTOMER
Well, different stuff. If everything's messy, it means the owner had a chance to rush through it before they lost the locks got changed. Containers with locks mean valuables sometimes. I have no idea what to expect with these, though. The neatness will drive the price up a little, I guess.

HANK grimaces. The CUSTOMER continues.

CUSTOMER
Sometimes you get lucky and get some jewelry or something, but for all we know this is some guy's collection of old newspapers. Well, not some guy. "Hank Havner," whoever that is.

HANK nods and wipes some sweat off his brow.

Over on the other side of the, LESLIE, on the phone, laughs loudly.

HANK (indicating LESLIE, to the CUSTOMER)
Who's that girl?

CUSTOMER
Leslie Bradford, daughter of the guy who owns the First Federal Bank down on Broad Street. She's not here to resell any of the winnings. She just likes pawing through people's old stuff. She's turned a lot of people off coming to these auctions because the only ones she loses are the ones she's not interested in. If you'll pardon my French, that girl is a real female dog!

HANK laughs weakly, nervous.

JAMES, from the outside, calls in.

JAMES
Alright, guys! Let's get this thing started.

The crowd moves back outside.

7 - Ext. Unit 11 - Morning - 7

JAMES
As usual, we're starting the bidding at a hundred fifty dollars, increments a' ten going up. Do I hear 150?

Someone raises a hand.

JAMES
150, do I hear 160 - 160, we have 160. 170?

HANK bids.

JAMES
170. 180? Who wants 180?

The bidding continues like this for a little while. As it reaches around 250, HANK turns to the CUSTOMER again.

HANK
What do - ah - what do most lots go for usually?

The CUSTOMER ponders the question.

CUSTOMER
If nothin' valuable's in sight, I'd estimate probably around three or four hundred dollars.

HANK raises his hand.

HANK
Four hundred dollars!

JAMES is surprised.

JAMES
Four hundred dollars! We're up to four hundred dollars here, do I hear more?

The crowd grumbles at JAMES. A few people walk off.

LESLIE
Four hundred fifty.

HANK is bothered.

HANK
Five hundred!

LESLIE (on his heels)
Five fifty.

There is a pause. HANK and LESLIE make tense eye contact, then turn to JAMES.

HANK
Six hundred.

LESLIE freezes. She looks over at HANK again.

LESLIE
What do you know that we don't, guy?

HANK laughs nervously.

HANK (weakly)
Oh, just curious, that's all.

LESLIE (to JAMES)
Seven hundred dollars!

JAMES
Eight hundre-

WAYNE (interrupting)
Hank?

There is silence. HANK looks around. WAYNE is standing outside the storage site's offices, dressed in his uniform, looking at disbelief at the crowd.

WAYNE (yelling, running over)
Oh my gosh, Hank! I thought I saw you. Jeez, man! I haven't seen you since high school. What are you doing back? I thought you moved.

HANK looks down, around, anywhere but at WAYNE, who is now walking right up to him.

WAYNE (mock-scolding)
Don't pull that on me, Hank Havner, I'd know that little red face anywhere!

HANK looks at LESLIE, who is open-mouthed with shock and joy.

WAYNE (incredulous, shaking his head)
Hank Havner. I don't believe-

Freeze on WAYNE, overlay: STORAGE.

Twist Endings

MONICA smiles.

MONICA
Do I have to say something?

A beat. SAM types.

MONICA (chuckling)
I guess that means yes.

She stares at SAM, possibly annoyed?

MONICA
This is a lot of pressure, Sam. Also it's not a conversation. You're just typing... what I say.

Silence.

SAM
I am iron man!

CUT TO CREDITS, CUE AWESOME HARDCORE ROCK MUSIC.

An Exposition: Act III

1 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 1

SAM drives again, JED sits shotgun.

On Screen: ACT III: The Break Even

SAM
January 30, 2:30. We're heading over to Jesse's right now, my friend here is Jed Thompson. Jed, say hi.

JED
Hi.

SAM
Jesse is single now. He's not dating Meg because he said he needed some time to think about things. We're going to teach him a lesson for hurting me the way he did, aren't we, Jed? Say we are.

JED
We are.

SAM
So Jed called saying he needed help with Physics, but after he rings the doorbell, Jesse's going to come out and I'm going to beat the (bleep) out of him.

SAM pulls the car over.

SAM
We better not get closer to his house, or he'll see who drove you.

SAM and JED get out.

SAM
Jed, take the camera.

JED reaches in and takes the camera.

SAM
Turn it off while we're walking.

2 - Ext. JESSE's House - Afternoon - 2

JED
Okay, we're back on.

SAM hides by the door. JED films, out of the frame.

SAM
Ready?

JED
Ready.

He goes up to the door and rings the doorbell. He films the door.

SAM (off-screen, whispering)
Hide the camera! Hide the camera!

JED puts the camera behind his back.

Off-screen, JESSE opens the door.

JESSE
Hey, Jed!

JED
Hey.

There is silence.

JESSE (wondering what's up)
Do you want to come inside?

JED
Why don't you come outside for a second?

JESSE
Er - why?

JED
It's a nice day.

JESSE is silent, then:

JESSE
Is Sam out there?

JED (under JESSE)
No!

JESSE
Yes he is! Sam, what the hell, man? Why are you hiding?

SAM
I'm not hiding. I'm waiting - to kick your ass.

JED steps back and starts filming again. JESSE steps outside. SAM stands nearby, looking apprehensive but trying to be determined.

JESSE
Sam, I'm sorry. I just - I'm sorry you got hurt. You can hit me if you want.

SAM
You broke my girlfriend's heart, and then broke my new girlfriend's heart!

JESSE
Are you mad about that, though, or are you just mad you don't have Meredith?

SAM
No! It's not her! I don't even care about her.

JESSE
Why not? I thought that was the big problem.

SAM
There's someone else anyways.

JESSE steps forward.

JESSE
Who? Meg?

SAM
No, Jesse! It's -

He freezes and stares JESSE in the eyes. His face softens. He goes for it.

Cut to black. Music plays. Credits roll.

End.

An Exposition: Act II

1 - Int. Car - Night - 1

SAM is in the car, driving again. He is being filmed handheld by someone sitting in the passenger seat. He looks a little crazy.

On screen: Act II

SAM
January 23, 7:45 PM. After last week Meredith broke up with me and now she and Jesse are dating Facebook-officially and all that. So on Monday I asked out this girl Meg McCabe to make Meredith jealous, and I think it might be working. Meg's getting a little clingy though, so we'll see how that goes.

SAM makes a turn.

SAM
Here, babe. You can just mount the camera up here.

MEG, who it is now revealed was holding the camera in the passenger seat, mounts it on the dashboard.

SAM
Thanks. Anyway, we're on the way to Meredith's house. She always said she wanted to be friends after we break up, so I pressured her into going on a double date so she realized how much she hates seeing me with someone else.

MEG looks sad and awkward, like a recently-kicked golden retriever puppy.

MEG
But, hey, you do like me, right?

SAM
Of course, baby. But this is still for the film festival so be quiet, okay?

MEG
Sure.

SAM shushes her.

MEG
I was just saying I would be qu-

SAM shushes her again, loudly.

SAM (interrupting)
Shh, baby, it's fine. Just keep that cute little mouth shut.

MEG looks out the window sadly and awkwardly, like a recently-kicked golden retriever puppy looking out a window. SAM pulls the car into MEREDITH's driveway.

SAM
Here we are!

He honks aggressively as he turns the car around. When he's done turning around, he honks again.

JESSE AND MEREDITH get the back seat. MEREDITH sits directly behind SAM, JESSE sits in middle with his arm around MEREDITH.

SAM drives.

SAM (looking back)
Jesse, could you sit on the side of the car? I can't see out the rearview mirror.

JESSE
Really? I could sort of duck down.

SAM
Just move, okay? There's plenty of room over there.

JESSE moves. SAM rolls his eyes at the camera.

MEG looks back at MEREDITH and JESSE.

MEG
Hey Mer.

MEREDITH
Hey Meg. How was your Saturday?

SAM turns on the music.

MEG
It was okay. Sam and I went to lunch and he left me in the bathroom.

SAM laughs loudly.

SAM
I was joking, okay? I told you that.

MEG
What did you do?

SAM turns up the music louder and louder. MEREDITH talks but can't be heard.

2 - Int. Car - Night - 2

A few minutes later. The music is off. No one is talking.

JESSE
So are you guys excited for Avatar?

MEREDITH
Yeah, I heard it was really good.

MEG
Oh yeah? I read this article in the New Yorker about this camera that saw the virtual world while it was-

SAM pulls into a spot and parks.

SAM
We're here.

He gets out. Everyone follows suit.

3 - Int. Car - Night - 3

After the movie. Everyone gets back in the car.

SAM
Well that was a waste of time.

MEG (quieter)
I really liked it.

JESSE
So did I.

MEREDITH
So did I.

SAM
Fine, whatever.

He drives off.

4 - Int. Car - Night - 4

A few minutes later.

SAM
Sorry, I have to get some gas. It'll just be a minute.

He pulls up to the station.

SAM
Don't have too much fun in here without me!

He gets out of the car.

MEREDITH
So Meg, what was your favorite part of the movie?

MEG
I really liked the scene where that pilot breaks them out of jail.

SAM pokes his head in.

SAM
Hey, what did I say about all that fun?

There is silence. SAM finishes gassing up the car and gets back in. He gets back in, and they sit in the car for a second. Everyone waits for SAM to start the car. SAM ponders.

MEG
Honey?

SAM
Yeah, hey babe. Why don't you sit in the back and let Meredith sit in the front? That way we can sort of do a little switch.

MEG (suddenly angry)
No! I (bleep) waited for you in that damn restaurant, I listened to you tell me that you were only dating me to get back at Meredith, I put up with all your (bleep) tonight. I'm done. I'm just done. Drive me home.

A beat of silence. MEG catches her breath. SAM looks hurt, but less like he's sorry and more like he's just been insulted. He gets out of the car.

SAM
I'm going to grab some water from inside.

MEREDITH, JESSE, and MEG are awkwardly silent.

MEREDITH
I think I might get something also.

JESSE
Me too.

They get out of the car. MEG stares dejectedly out the window. MEREDITH shuts her door, but JESSE doesn't shut his.

MEREDITH (off-screen)
What are you doing?

JESSE (off-screen)
Just go ahead, I'll be right there.

He pokes his head back in and sits in the back.

JESSE
Hey Meg?

MEG
Yeah.

JESSE
Sam can be a jerk sometimes, but he really is a nice guy usually.

It's quiet. MEG looks down.

JESSE
I'm sorry he treated you like that tonight.

MEG looks JESSE in the eyes.

They begin making out frantically.

Cut to black.

An Exposition: Act I

1 - Int. Car - Morning - 1

SAM turns on the camera, suddenly and awkwardly filming the inside of his car. He mounts it on the dashboard and turns it to face the whole car. He speaks directly to the camera.

He starts driving.

SAM
Alright, January 16, (he checks his watch) 11:45 PM. So this is a little experiment I'm trying out. Many of you know my girlfriend, Meredith Friel, and some of you may also know - uh - Jesse Silliman. Anyway, Meredith really doesn't like Jesse for reasons I can't seem to fathom, and it makes Jesse really uncomfortable to be around her and me and it's just awkward. So today I'm picking them both up to hang out, and we'll see if they can be friends by the end of the day. I bought this little spy camera, and hopefully the whole experience will make a good submission for the Stoga Film Festival.

SAM pulls up to MEREDITH's house and honks twice.

SAM
Here she comes.

MEREDITH gets in the car. SAM makes a three point turn and leaves her driveway.

SAM
Hey cutie, how's it going?

MEREDITH
Pretty good. Where are we going for lunch?

SAM
It's up to you.

MEREDITH
Please just pick.

SAM
Is Chipotle okay?

MEREDITH
Yeah, it's kind of far away though.

SAM
Are you okay with waiting? Are you hungry?

MEREDITH
No, I'm fine.

SAM makes a left.

MEREDITH
Isn't Chipotle that way?

SAM
I have to stop somewhere really fast.

MEREDITH
Where?

SAM (smiling)
Don't worry about it.

MEREDITH
No, where?

On screen: BELLZ YEAH FILM PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS...
On screen: An Exposition
On screen: Act I

SAM and MEREDITH pull up at JESSE's house. SAM honks.

MEREDITH
Is someone else coming with us? I thought -

She sees JESSE.

MEREDITH
Oh (bleep), Sam, are you kidding?

SAM (over)
Meredith, it's a chance for you to get to know-

MEREDITH (over)
I already know him I don't like-

SAM (over)
He's my best friend-

MEREDITH (over)
I don't make you-

JESSE opens the door. The car falls silent. MEREDITH is pissed. She gets out.

MEREDITH
Jesse, you can sit up front.

JESSE
No, it's fine. You can have it.

MEREDITH
Just take it.

SAM
Hey guys, my coat is too heavy anyway. Just both of you sit in back and I'll put it here.

A beat, then they both get in the back.

SAM (looking at the camera, winking)
Just throw some of that stuff up here.

He pulls away.

2 - Int. Car - Morning - 2

A quick cut to a few minutes later.

MEREDITH and JESSE are staring out the window. The car is silent.

3 - Int. Car - Morning - 3

A few minutes after that. The radio is on. SAM mouths along to "Party in the USA".

MEREDITH (annoyed)
Could you turn that off? I have a headache?

SAM
What?

MEREDITH
Turn it off.

SAM
Oh, yeah, sure.

4 – Int. Car – morning – 4

Silence again.

SAM
So where do you guys want to go after Chipotle?

MEREDITH
Home.

JESSE (simultaneously)
Home is fine.

SAM
I kind of wanted to go bowling. Would that be okay with you guys?

Silence from the back.

SAM
Cool.

5 - Int. Car - Morning - 5

Silence still. SAM looks in the mirror.

SAM
So have you guys been to Chipotle before?

MEREDITH
I went with you last time and you forgot me in the bathroom.

JESSE
No.

SAM
Do you know what you'll get?

MEREDITH
I think two soft tacos.

SAM
They only sell them in ones and threes.

MEREDITH
No they sell them in twos too.

SAM
No, they-

MEREDITH
I got two of them when I visited Kenyon.

SAM
I think they're experimenting with a cheaper menu or something.

JESSE
Or you could just order two single tacos.

SAM
Well yeah but you waste money.

MEREDITH
You waste more money buying a taco you won't eat.

JESSE (over top of MEREDITH, agreeing)
It's more wasteful to throw out a taco.

They look at each other and laugh. SAM looks a little hurt.

6 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 6

The car is parked, and everyone is eating. MEREDITH has two soft tacos.

SAM
I can't believe they sold them in twos.

MEREDITH
I told you.

SAM
Baby I know you did.

JESSE
Meredith, thanks for the recommendation. This steak is great.

SAM
The chicken is better.

MEREDITH
No it's not.

JESSE
I don't like chicken. I thought you knew that.

SAM
Oh, I guess I forgot.

MEREDITH
His memory sucks.

SAM
No it - it's fine.

MEREDITH looks at JESSE and shakes her head secretly.

7 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 7

SAM is driving. MEREDITH and JESSE are talking in the back. They are warming up to each other.

MEREDITH
So what is this game called?

JESSE
Team Fortress 2.

MEREDITH
I've never heard of it.

SAM
I've told you about it like a million times!

MEREDITH
I don't think you have.

8 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 8

MEREDITH and JESSE are laughing. SAM looks annoyed.

9 - Int. Car - Afternoon – 9

They’re still laughing.

10 – Int. Car – Afternoon – 10

They stop laughing, slowly. A few giggles here and there.

SAM
Hey I’m going to stop to get some water real quick.

He pulls into the station and puts the car in park. He gets out.

SAM
Do you guys need anything?

MEREDITH and JESSE shake their heads, still laughing. SAM shuts the door and leaves.

MEREDITH
I still can’t believe she would call you that.

JESSE
I know! Isn’t that crazy.

They look at each other. Their eyes lock.

A beat, then:

They begin making out frantically.

Cut to black.

Ball Golf

1 - Day - Strip Mall Parking Lot

Summer, around noon. A Wednesday. In a strip mall parking lot, the film crew sets up. They pull their boom mic out of the back of a minivan. The camera is handheld and shaky. Muffled taps are heard as the microphone is set up.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)
Test, test. Are we good?

CAMERAMAN (V.O.)
Yeah, I hear you. Should I be recordin-

2 - Day - Int. Al's Burgers

Inside Al's Burgers, the director is setting up his shot. The viewer gets the idea that this was supposed to be cut. KEVIN stands by nervously observing. He wears a gray t-shirt with "Ball Golf" written in large letters and a picture of a golf ball rolling into the cup. As the crew sets up, the camera catches occasional glimpses of the restaurant - a mildly-lit burger joint.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)
I think we want the white in the background, right?

CAMERAMAN (V.O.)
Yeah that'll look good.

Quick cut to a few minutes later. The camera is no longer shaking now that it's been mounted on a tripod. KEVIN is seated in a chair in front of the camera. Behind him is an all white wall of the restaurant, with a small corner of a painting poking in.

KEVIN looks behind the camera to the DIRECTOR, who mumbles a question unintelligible to the microphone from offscreen. KEVIN answers.

KEVIN
(repeating the question) Where are we? We're at The Ball Golf Superstore!

Another muffled question from the DIRECTOR.

KEVIN
Well, yes, technically we're at Al's Burgers. But this location is also the site of the first ever ball golf superstore.

As KEVIN continues to answer the question in voice over, cut to the exterior of Al's Burgers. The restaurant is in a small strip mall. Zoom in on the Al's Sign. Next to it is a small handwritten sign on cardboard: "Ball Golf Superstore".

KEVIN
We sell everything you need to play ball golf. We sell, uh, the clubs, the balls, practice cups. Stuff like that.

DIRECTOR (off-screen, muffled)
The shirt?

KEVIN
What?

DIRECTOR (slightly louder)
Do you sell the shirts too?

KEVIN
(looking down at his shirt, laughing) Oh yeah. My girlfriend designed this for Ball Golf. It's um, it's really cool. We've sold like 30 already.

There is an awkward pause as KEVIN stares and smiles at the camera, then looks over at the DIRECTOR, then back at the camera.

Cut to black. Countdown sequence rolls, and then:

3 - Day - The Ball Golf Course

Wide shot of the ball golf course from the shaky, hand held camera. It is a warm, sunny day. The course is small, and there are numerous trees around. All those playing golf are dressed in basketball or cargo shirts and t-shirts. A few couples are out playing together, but one of these couples are throwing basketballs instead of hitting normal golfballs. A family is playing with tennis balls and hitting them with bats, swung golf style. KEVIN and some of the workers from Al's are playing with regular golf equipment.

The title pops up on the screen in white letters: "BALL GOLF".

It disappears.

Cut to a shot of KEVIN and his friends as they play. They each hold two clubs each: a wedge and a putter. None of the equipment looks to be particularly high-end. MATT, one of KEVIN's friends, hits his ball with his iron. It goes about 30 yards before landing near a hole. The guys cheer.

4 - Day - Golf Course, MATT's Interview

As MATT is being interviewed, KEVIN and his friends continue playing ball golf in the background. On screen, MATT's name fades up, with "Ball Golf Enthusiast" under it. MATT is responding to a question that has already been asked.

MATT
The concept of ball golf is just like regular golf, except instead of throwing a disc into the cage, you're trying to get this ball (holding a golf ball up) into one of those little holes you see around the course.

DIRECTOR
And how do the sticks work?

MATT
Well the sticks are really called "clubs" by us ballthusiasts (he chuckles nervously at his joke). When ball golf was starting out, clubs weren't being used. We just, like, we threw the balls as far as we could. But the founders realized that they were being limited by the idea of throwing, so they changed throwing the ball to hitting the ball with the club. And just how in normal golf you have your drivers and your irons and your putters, we have our different clubs for different shots.

DIRECTOR
So what are the major differences?

MATT continues in voice-over, with footage from other sources playing over top.

MATT (V.O.)
Well, you've seen a golf tournament. Everyone's so dressed up, and the players are all so preppy and professional.

First, we see a professional golf tournament. Caddies carry a backpack full of many discs of various sizes just as a caddy would carry a golf club bag. The tournament takes place on a golf course - long, well-mowed fairways, greens, sand traps, etc. There are many spectators, and everyone is dressed up. In the corner of the screen, there is a disclaimer: "Footage Courtesy of PGA".

MATT (without having paused, V.O.)
It's the only sport with a dress code! With ball golf, you don't need to belong to some fancy country club to play, and you don't need lots of money or stuff like that. They carry like 14 discs or something. The pros with us use, like, three clubs. But you don't need them. You can just play with basketballs or baseballs or whatever you want and just land them on top of the hole. I know when I started my friend and I played with ping pong balls. We got like 30s on all the holes.

On screen: A still photo of a YOUNGER MATT and his FRIEND. MATT is hitting a ping pong ball as far as he can in a field outside.

5 - Day - Ball Golf Course

Cut back to the ball golf course, where the young couple playing with basketballs is seen playing a hole. They are laughing and enjoying themselves.

6 - Day - Ball Golf Course, COUPLE's Interview

The COUPLE is being interviewed - JACK and ELLIE. Their names pop up on the screen without titles.

JACK
Well, I just heard from a friend it was an inexpensive dating idea. Ellie and I came out for the first time a few months ago.

ELLIE
Yeah, it's super fun, and, like, totally cheap. With regular golf you need all those discs and everything, but with this we just throw the basketballs.

DIRECTOR (off-screen, muffled)
What's your best score?

ELLIE (looking to JACK)
Well...

JACK (simultaneously)
Well, it's tricky with just throwing, but I once almost broke 100 for these nine holes.

7 - Day - Ext. Al's Burgers

Establishing shot of Al's. A car drives by.

8 - Day - Int. Al's Burgers

KEVIN's interview.

KEVIN
I think the future's pretty bright for Ball Golf. The PBGA is saying we've got-

The DIRECTOR gives a muffled interruption.

KEVIN
What?

The DIRECTOR says something.

KEVIN
Oh that's "Professional Ball Golf Association". Anyway they're reporting something like two hundred and fifty courses in the United States currently, and with the economy the way it is I'm thinking people are going to be looking for cheaper sports. Golf is just too expensive for most people. We may see five hundred ball golf courses in two years!

DIRECTORS (off-screen, muffled)
Any last words to our audience?

KEVIN
(thinking) Well, sure. I mean, yeah. I just want to tell everyone out there that ball golf is seriously growing, and it's such a fun-

AL (yelling from off-screen)
Kevin, you're in the way of customers.

KEVIN
Oh, sorry.

KEVIN stands up and tries to keep talking. The camera gets picked up as well, and it is suddenly back to shaky and awkward. A CUSTOMER walks in front of the camera to order a burger across the counter. The DIRECTOR tries to get him to move, but the CUSTOMER is confused. Someone in the back yells "ORDER UP", and ANOTHER CUSTOMER moves to get his order. The camera turns away from the protesting KEVIN, and then cut to black.

Credits Roll.

End.

Xtra Dead 4: Death Kills

The scene: a ritzy hotel bar, 11:30 PM. In the background, a cocktail party rages mercilessly. Light jazz plays. Martini glasses clink gently.

In the foreground, MATTHEW MANN sips whisky. He is dressed in a sharp tuxedo, his hair slicked back. His toned muscles are hidden by the black jacket, but he is clearly a fit man. He looks at ease.

HOT WOMAN approaches MATTHEW. She sits down next to him.

HOT WOMAN (to MATTHEW)
Nice watch.

MATTHEW
I'm not wearing a watch.

HOT WOMAN (coyly)
I know.

She orders a drink, and then spins around on her stool, facing the party. Her elbows rest on the bar, but she still talks to MATTHEW.

HOT WOMAN
So, how do you know the president's daughter and the most famous basketball player of all time?

MATTHEW
Friend of a friend. I was lucky to get invited to the wedding. This reception certainly is beautiful.

HOT WOMAN (eyeing him)
That's a nice tux. What is it, Brioni, 1939?

MATTHEW
Uh, no.

HOT WOMAN
Oh, well. Whatever it is, it must have cost a fortune.

MATTHEW
I'm very good at what I do.

HOT WOMAN (turning towards MATTHEW)
Oh yeah? And what exactly do you do?

MATTHEW (also coyly)
Oh, nothing.

Suddenly, orchestra hits play. In a black and white flashback, MATTHEW is in a hut somewhere in the jungle, wearing a dirty tank top and cargo shorts. He holds an AK-47, and he hits a man with the butt of the gun, violently.

Back in the hotel.

HOT WOMAN (confused)
Wait, you're very good at doing... nothing?

MATTHEW
Er, yes.

In the jungle again, MATTHEW hits the MAN two more times. Orchestra hits continue playing.

Back in the hotel. The background music has faded, leaving a few clarinets trilling. Tension mounts.

HOT WOMAN (still confused)
Wait, are you employed?

MATTHEW
Ah...

In the jungle, MATTHEW is walking out of the hut, holding a cigar. His arm is bloody. He stops for a second, lights up the cigar, and throws away the match. He inhales deeply, relishing the smoke.

He takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it with the cigar, and throws it behind his back. He exits.

The background explodes. Then: another explosion, this time bigger, in slow motion.

A brief pause, then six more explosions.

Back at the party:

MATTHEW
Not unemployed per say...

The HOT WOMAN looks at him.

HOT WOMAN (seductively)
Oh?

MATTHEW
As much as I'd like to continue this conversation, I actually have something to do.

HOT WOMAN (confused, hurt)
What?

MATTHEW gets up from the bar and wades into the crowd. Suddenly, a gunshot rings out from the center of the room. Everyone throws themselves flat except for MATTHEW, the PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER (wearing white), and a MASKED MAN holding a gun in the air and grabbing the PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER.

MATTHEW is unperturbed. He walks determinedly towards the MASKED MAN, who is facing the other way, yelling something in Russian.

MATTHEW grabs the gun from him. He spins around, MATTHEW punches him in the face. The MASKED MAN falls.

The PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER looks confused. MATTHEW takes the opportunity to kiss her once, passionately. The MOST FAMOUS BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME stands up.

MOST FAMOUS BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME
Hey, that's my wife!

He takes a swing at MATTHEW, who ducks. The MOST FAMOUS BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME hits his new wife, the PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER. As the MOST FAMOUS BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME crouches down to apologize, MATTHEW stands up, straightens his tie, and begins to walk from the room. As he does, he takes out a cigar, lighting up. He inhales deeply and takes out a stick of dynamite.

MATTHEW is walking from the hotel. Behind him, it explodes. He is too cool to notice.

ON SCREEN, as Matthew exits:

XTRA DEAD 4: DEATH KILLS
COMING SOON

The hotel blows up again.

Cut to black.

The end.