Wednesday, July 30, 2008


From the mildly bizarre to the truly wild, it's Sam and Jon's MOST UNNECESSARY CRAYON NAMES.

15. Tickle Me Pink
Why It's Annoying
This name, while not totally unknown, is pretty annoying when one actually takes the time to think about it. The makers of this crayon probably came up with the name from the phrase "I'm tickled pink". The phrase is a pretty annoying one already, but the name of the crayon is roughly ten times MORE annoying. It also has the potential to lead to some incredibly awkward situations:

Girl: Would you pass me the crayon?
Guy: Which crayon?
Girl: "Tickle Me Pink".
Guy: Haha! Okay! (He proceeds to tickle the girl)
Girl: Stop! Stop! Bad touch!
Guy: But you're not pink yet!

What It Should Be Named
If the makers are really insisting on using "I'm tickled pink", the best recommendation is "tickled pink". At least it would dissuade random ticklings. If a guy is intent on tickling a girl, though, I sincerely doubt a changed crayon name would stop him.

14. Purple Pizazz
Why It's Annoying
Though dictionaries refuse to admit it (their explanation is "origin obscure". That's crap.), the word pizazz dates back to a early 20th-century pizza shop that ordered too many Z's for the sign that they planned to put on the street. Instead of going with "pizzza", the owners decided to go with the previously-unknown "pizazz". Though no one really knew what they were selling, they knew they liked the word. Business boomed, and the rest, as they say, is history. Regardless of its sparkly past, the problem with this name is that purple is an adjective and not a noun. For all intents and purposes, this crayon's color is pizazz. The pizazz just happens to be purple. The crayon is not purple. It is purple pizazz.

What It Should Be Named
"Pizazzy Purple" is my official recommendation. At least that fixes the issue of the adjective-noun thing.

13. Wild Blue YonderWhy It's Annoying
This is sort of the same issue as Purple Pizazz (this crayon is actually yonder, but the yonder is both wild and blue), except that it's an obnoxious name that makes me want to kick puppies.

What It Should Be Named
"Wild Blue". The "yonder" is unnecessary.

12. Razzle Dazzle Rose
Why It's Annoying
Roses are pretty, and everyone knows what color they are. The "Razzle Dazzle", part, however, adds a confusing, annoying air. That makes sense, though, as razzle dazzle is actually defined as a state of confusion or hilarity. Though I find this color confusing, it is roughly as hilarious as riding an elevator with a cougar. Coincidentally, Razzle Dazzle Rose is also roughly the color that your blood would look like if it were splattered on the elevator walls.

What It Should Be Named
How about just "Rose"? That's simple and doesn't conjure up feelings about vicious cats riding on elevators.

11. Macaroni and Cheese
Why It's Annoying
Macaroni and Cheese is not a color. Macaroni and Cheese is a dish, and, quite frankly, not a very good dish. Sure, it tasted good after our peewee soccer games in second grade, but it just doesn't cut it for us now. Furthermore, this color is not the color of macaroni and cheese. It's actually more the color of macaroni and cheese that had salmonella and was vomited back up. Why is it so brown? Was I the only one who ate mac and cheese that was yellow-orange?

What It Should Be Named
I'm thinking "Macaroni and Cheese Vomit". That seems most accurate.

10. Purple Mountain's MajestyWhy It's Annoying
Mountains aren't purple. Furthermore, the crayon isn't majesty, it's purple. Furthermore, this crayon is really more blue than purple.

What It Should Be Named
"Majestic Purple-Blue, sort of like the same color that mountains aren't". I don't know if they could fit that on a crayon.

9. Laser LemonWhy It's Annoying
The quintessential laser is red, not yellow.

What It Should Be Named
"Lemon Yellow with the intensity of a Laser". That is, once again, if they could fit that on a crayon.

8. Mango TangoWhy It's Annoying
Neither "mango" nor "tango" are colors. Mango isn't even an adjective, and a tango is a kind of dance. If mangos and tangos were combined, they would not be this color. They would not even be a color. In fact, they couldn't be combined because you can't combine dances with fruits. I find fault with nearly everything about this name.

What It Should Be Named
"Mango Red". That's a little more explanatory, and still gives the user the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from seeing "mango" used as an adjective.

7. Atomic TangerineWhy It's Annoying
For the same reasons as "laser lemon", but realize that atomic isn't associated with anything regarding colors. Atomic Tangerine sounds like a code-name for some nuclear device that a terrorist would smuggle into Grand Central Station. I feel like it would be carried in a briefcase. I don't want my children playing with a crayon that sounds like that, especially considering how likely it is that the feds are tapping my phone. I won't even say this one out loud for fear of being arrested.

What It Should Be Named
"Orange" probably sounds a little less suspicious, but wouldn't work quite as well in rhyming poems.

6. MauvelousWhy It's Annoying
It reminds me of the aunt that everyone seems to have who talks like a New Yorker, smokes a lot, and says things are "Mah-vuh-less".

What It Should Be Called
"Mauve". Seriously.

5. Neon CarrotWhy It's Annoying
This one is the same as Laser Lemon and Atomic Tangerine, but just seems a lot more ridiculous. Carrot is just a funny word, I think.

What It Should Be Called
Though the name sounds stupid, it does sort of have a certain flow to it. For now, I approve.

4. Inch WormWhy It's Annoying
Okay, here we go. Crayola is done giving you a chance about figuring out the color of the crayon from the name. Even "atomic tangerine" is pretty obvious. Now they're just trying to mess with you. Inch worm is not a color. It's a worm. A worm that inches.

What It Should Be Called
Even "Inch Worm Green" is better than this crap.

3. RazzmatazzWhy It's Annoying
This one requires no explanation.

What It Should Be Called

2. BittersweetWhy It's Annoying
This one is thoroughly baffling. "Bittersweet" is neither a color nor a noun, so really the name itself couldn't stand on its own, let alone explain what color the crayon is. The name, however, might have been redeemed if the color had been beautiful and artistic. However, the color is brown. Brown. That's all it is. It isn't brown mixed with orange. It isn't burnt sienna, or oak bark, or dog poop on a football field, or whatever other names Crayola likes to come up with. It's brown.

What It Should Be Called
Freaking. Brown.

1. Jazzberry JamWhy It's Annoying
This one is just confusing. If Jazzberry was an actual fruit, then maybe it would be less confusing. No, though, this crayon is the color of a fruit that doesn't exist. To be more accurate, this crayon is the color of JAM that was MADE FROM this fruit that doesn't exist. Why not just call it "Jazzberry"? Does the "Jam" really clarify anything? Does the Crayola Corporation think that people will see their crayon and think, "Jazzberry? What the hell is Jazzbe- Oh! It's jazzberry jam! Right!"


What It Should Be Called
How about "grape jelly"? That one at least partially gives a clue as to what color the freaking crayon is.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


"So you called us because you have a little leathery creature living up in your attic."

"Yeah, we do. What do you suggest?"

"It's simple! Kill the bat, man!"

Monday, July 28, 2008

Spotted on TF2

I'm famous!

**EDIT** This is a joke. I realize that this is not a reference to my blog, but rather a reference to my blog's namesake, the popular Douglas Adams novel.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

Vintage Tests

The scene: an August night, the local park. It is dusk, maybe 7 or 8. The sun is low in the sky. A travel league softball game is going on. A father drills with his co-ed elementary-school-aged soccer team. Birds twitter mercilessly, rivaled only by the hissing of cicadas. A band plays to a crowd of families sitting in the grass, and a few pairs of siblings ride bikes. Some friends play basketball. Adults converse as they watch their children run.

On top of a large hill, SEVENTEEN TEENS are playing ultimate frisbee. Fourteen are on the field; seven on each side. Both sides are in a line, waiting for the pull. One side wears light colors, the other dark. From the top of the hill, the rest of the park can be surveyed; in fact, the entire surrounding area can be seen for miles. The field is marked by cones.

TWO PLAYERS on the light team stand on one side of the field. It is their turn to pull, and PLAYER ONE holds the disk. PLAYER TWO looks out at the field, and also out at the whole park. He sighs.

PLAYER TWO (referring to the landscape and the game)
Never gets old, huh?


Sort of makes you want to... break into song?


Music enter, reminiscent of the Discovery Channel Commercial "Boom De Yada". From this point forward, characters sing.

I love green grass. I love this local park.

PLAYER ONE (shielding his eyes)
I love the bright sun.

I love the dogs that bark.

Oh I love ultimate, with all its awesome plays.

PLAYER ONE begins to run forward, preparing to pull.

Boom de yada! Boom de yada!

He pulls.

HIS WHOLE TEAM (running behind him, like a battle cry)
Boom de yada! Boom de yada!

The DARK TEAM runs up, and the HANDLER catches the pull in the air. His team runs past him, stacks up, and then the first cutter makes his cut. The HANDLER throws.

I love the first cut.

His DEFENDER moves forward and catches it instead of him.

And I love skying you.

His team rushes past. The DEFENDER moves to throw a forehand, the CUTTER gets in the way, stalling him.

I love a forehand.

CUTTER (In the background)
Forcing backhand!

The DEFENDER adjusts and tosses a backhand to the LIGHT HANDLER.

I love a backhand too.

The DEFENDER and the CUTTER run downfield.

Oh I love ultimate. It is the coolest thing.

THE LIGHT HANDLER has it, and a DARK DEFENDER is stalling him. The LIGHT HANDLER sings his part distractedly, primarily looking for a cutter. The DARK DEFENDER stalls him on beat.

LIGHT HANDLER (distracted)
Boom de yada! Boom de yada!

Stalling one! Stalling two!

A LIGHT CUTTER makes a cut downfield. He calls out to the LIGHT HANDLER.

LIGHT CUTTER (in place of the usual "I'm open!"
Boom de yada!

DARK DEFENDER (in the background)
Stalling three!

LIGHT HANDLER (in place of a cry of emotion or exertion)
Boom de yada!

DARK DEFENDER (in place of "up!"; with LIGHT HANDLER)
Boom de yada!

The LIGHT CUTTER makes the catch, turns immediately, and hucks a hammer downfield.

I love the hammers.

A LIGHT CHERRY-PICKER catches the disk at the edge of the endzone.

I love to check my feet!

DARK PLAYER (background, yelling)
Check feet!

He checks his feet, and finds himself in. He spikes the disk.

I love to score points! I love my heart to beat!

The rest of the LIGHT TEAM joins him.

Oh, I love ultimate! It is the sport for me!

A diving montage ensues. Four PLAYERS dive for the disk during random points, the LAST PLAYER catches it in an endzone.

FIRST PLAYER (diving, catching)
Boom de yada!

SECOND PLAYER (diving, catching)
Boom de yada!

THIRD PLAYER (diving, catching)
Boom de yada!

FOURTH PLAYER (diving, catching, scoring, celebrating)
Boom de yada!

Pan out overhead, watching the game of ultimate as well as the entire park.

EVERYONE (fading)
Boom de yada! Boom de yada!

Fade to black.

Credits roll.


**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Click on these pictures to make them big! They are INFINITELY BETTER**

**Picasa isn't cooperating. I'll post improved versions of these later**

**EDIT 2: These are them. They aren't very big, but I really like them. View full please!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Fish Eye

This is by request.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Fisheye/Saturation Test

Things are more colorful in mirrors.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Fisheye Test 2

This might just be the scariest picture ever.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Fisheye Test 1

Hi guys! I'm 16!

My whole family (included extended family) got me a fisheye lens for my birthday, so this is the first picture of many of distorted, round pics. I hope you enjoy them!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I Am Not Afraid

This is Ello's picture.

Yesterday I was playing Team Fortress with a seven-year-old. It made me really sad. I cannot imagine being that little and playing a game so violent.

Also he was better than me.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

More Fireworks

This is cropped, not shopped.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


I should not have underestimated the talented photographers that are my regular readers. Thoroughly unintimidated by Maeve, Tim shot back with his own picture. Apparently he was cruising along in California when he noticed this dilapidated sofa. He felt the need to snap a picture, and I'm glad he did. The cliff, the water, the rocks. It's all perfect. Thanks, Tim.

Monday, July 07, 2008

I Get Up

This photograph is a guest submission by Maeve. It is somewhat unfortunate that the first guest post had to be of such ridiculously high quality that it will scare off other submissions, but DON'T BE SCARED. LET THIS BE ENCOURAGEMENT.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

July 5, 2008

This picture came out really cool photoshopped. PLEASE click on it so you can see it big. The colors are fantastic; I promise you won't be disappointed!

**EDIT** I keep getting comment spammed by this stupid lotto game thing. I've turned on word verification. Sorry.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Things Did Not Go As Planned, Part II

(Special thanks to the Language and Mathematics Departments at Dartmouth University for a mostly-accurate translation.)



Earth introduced itself to the rest of the universe in a most curious manner. They launched vibrations of dangerously high speeds across the universe, exterminating a nearby Necklon Colony by disrupting electrical currents necessary for the movement of cellular fluid in the Necklon people. Necklons, working in conjunction with Fubu scientists, traced the origin of the message. The Fubu warned against direct confrontation. Necklons sent a scouting party, determining the atmospheric pressure to be too high for their species, but safe for ours. It was determined that the Fubu would send a diplomatic convoy, complete with specimens of Fubu DNA and rocks from the planet.

The convoy arrived on (at this point the document uses an indecipherable time and date system), at (time). The convoy scouted quickly, moving over the earth six times before settling over the apparent center of culture and learning, Milwaukee (mile-wow-KEE), Wisconsin (wizz-CAHN-sin), at (time). The ship descended, and the humans gathered around under the ship. Immediately, the class distinctions were made obvious, indicated by what the species of a creature known as "clothing" a human was living in symbiosis with. Those living in symbiosis with a green and brown creature were at the top of the heap; to denote their stature they carried large, black objects with a hole at one end (these objects were later determined to be used to deliver specimens of rock-like material at high speeds). Those living in symbiosis with some sort of curiously formed "business attire" species of clothing were next, and those with other species of clothing were below this class (this symbiotic relationship is interesting and must be studied further).

In order to humble himself, the primary diplomat decided to use the fabricator to emulate the middle-class. He created a thorough copy of the symbiont that lived in harmony with this class. Though it was something of an awkward fit, the diplomat did manage to fit into the copy that was fabricated.

He exited the ship at (time), made his way down the ramp, and greeted the humans with a traditional shaking of the (this word does not translate, but probably means "cilia"). He made a quick observation of his surroundings using his sensor. At this point, a human leader, who had been waiting at the bottom of the ramp, extended a limb in order to to exchange genetic material for study, and the diplomat complied by donating a sample. The human responded by holding still, presumably an invitation for the diplomat to collect DNA. The Fubu attempted to collect material, facilitated by the human moving his limbs wildly in attempt to allow the Fubu diplomat to remove a sample. The diplomat was unsuccessful, and decided to save the task of gathering the human DNA for a later mission. The diplomat verbally expressed his desire to exchange a sample at a later time.

It was at this point that the upper class used their black objects to exchange rocks from their planet. They courteously launched the objects into the Fubu diplomat. After they had completed, the diplomat re-entered the spacecraft to deposit the human sample of rock and to retrieve his own. He exited the spacecraft once again, donated a sample of rock, and then re-entered the spacecraft. He determined the mission to be completed, and decided that future expeditions could be outfitted with more specimens of the Fubu way of life in order to facilitate relations between the two species.

At (time), the spacecraft left Milwaukee and was immediately beset upon by an unknown species of Earth. The species delivered a number of explosive payloads to the Fubu craft, which was destroyed over an apparent cultural wasteland known as "Vermont" (FUR-mount).


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Things Did Not Go As Planned, Part I

Part I of this file is an excerpt from a NASA debriefing following the infamous Milwaukee Incident. Part II is a document that a machine scavenged from the wreckage of the Fubu Spacecraft was displaying shakily.


Things did not go as planned.

Our best efforts to contact aliens, from the beaming of Beatles' songs into space to the probes prickling with information about the human race and our interests, had not seemed in vain when the Fubu arrived. They seemed to understand our culture, at least towards the beginning of its visit.

The Fubu Spacecraft was spotted at 3:58 AM EST over a small suburb outside of Atlanta, GA, and NASA officials were informed at 7:30 AM EST when sightings had already been reported over Russia, Kazakhstan, Rwanda, Belgium, and Brazil, in that order. Preparations were made, and the military was alerted to the Fubu presence. Administrators tracked it as it jumped all over the radar, finally slowing and settling over the bustling metropolis of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

It hovered there for some time, providing the time for a necessary military and NASA presence. A large media convoy arrived shortly as well, but was dealt with by the local police and police from the surrounding area.

And then, at 11:30 AM, as the world looked on, the Fubu Spacecraft landed. It descended gracefully on the edge of Lake Michigan, extending a long walkway. A cordoned-off area with a 50-yard radius was immediately created around the end of walkway. A NASA administrator was placed in this area, roughly ten feet from the end of the walkway.

At 11:38 AM, the first Fubu stepped out.

(At this point the document includes a picture of the Fubu from a Milwaukee Newspaper and a photocopy of the Fubu File from the NASA records. The highlighted text is as follows.)

The Fubu are a sentient being from a currently unknown location outside of the Earth and also, most likely, the Milky Way. The Fubu are a grey, amorphous species. They use massive motile cilia for movement, though there has been some evidence to suggest that the cilia also serve to collect information about the environment. The Fubu also are able to survey their surroundings by way of at least one baseball-sized eye that is visible when the Fubu are upright (that is, when they plant part of their body and put the rest of their body above the planted section, growing in height but shortening in girth). The eye seems to function roughly the same as an animal eye.

(The document resumes here.)

The Fubu was awkwardly dressed into Western business attire. Its outfit featured a purple button-down shirt, a yellow and green polka-dot tie, and a brown plaid jacket (this outfit has led many to believe that the Fubu are, in fact, color blind). Both arms of the shirt had been filled; the Fubu seemed to have an enormous control over their membrane and the fluid inside, forming extra limbs at will.

The creature tumbled haphazardly down the stairs that extended from the spacecraft. It immediately stood up, its cilia bristling wildly, and examined its surroundings with its eye. It proceeded to shake violently, pause, and then begin moving towards the NASA Administrator.

The NASA Administrator, obviously nervous, did his best to be cordial as he extended his hand, welcoming the alien to Earth. The Fubu extended a cilia on an arm-like limb. The NASA administrator shook the cilia.

The cilia fell off in the administrator's hands.

The world froze. The Fubu bristled wildly, and then threw itself on top of the administrator. The military raised their weapons, waiting for an order.

There appeared to be a silent struggle going on. The Fubu, now completely enveloping the NASA administrator, shook wildly as the man he covered fought against the creature's rubbery grip. Minutes passed; the struggle continued.

The military officers refused to let their men fire. They had no way of knowing what was going on, and even if they did they would have undoubtedly hit the administrator as the bullet pierced the Fubu.

Suddenly, the Fubu straightened, revealing the red-faced administrator, frightened but apparently unharmed. The Fubu bowed gracelessly, and then proceeded once again to survey the crowd.

There was a stunned silence.

The Fubu bristled up again, and then, somehow, roared at the crowd. The noise was not deafening by any means, but it was certainly a roar.

The army opened fire. For ten seconds, every gun in the area was being fired at the Fubu, filling its body with lead.

There was another pause as the firing stopped, and then the Fubu turned suddenly around and climbed clumsily back up the stairs to its spacecraft

At 11:52 AM, three minutes after it had entered, the Fubu appeared once again in the door, fell hurriedly down the stairs, and once again faced the people of Earth. The alien no longer was wearing clothing. It paused for a second, bristled, and then ejected a large piece of metal from the top of its membrane.

The metal fell harmlessly to the ground.

With one more clumsy bow, the Fubu climbed back into its spacecraft. The stairs rose. The spacecraft departed at 11:58 AM.

At 11:59 AM, the military scrambled jets all over the United States. At 12:00 PM, a Medium Combat Aircraft shot down the Fubu Spacecraft over Athens, Vermont.

(The document ends here with a list of other files that relate to the incident, including the Fubu autopsy and the list of the contents of the Fubu spacecraft).

This is my 400th post! Also I promise Part II will tie this together.