Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Crayons

From the mildly bizarre to the truly wild, it's Sam and Jon's MOST UNNECESSARY CRAYON NAMES.

15. Tickle Me Pink
Why It's Annoying
This name, while not totally unknown, is pretty annoying when one actually takes the time to think about it. The makers of this crayon probably came up with the name from the phrase "I'm tickled pink". The phrase is a pretty annoying one already, but the name of the crayon is roughly ten times MORE annoying. It also has the potential to lead to some incredibly awkward situations:

Girl: Would you pass me the crayon?
Guy: Which crayon?
Girl: "Tickle Me Pink".
Guy: Haha! Okay! (He proceeds to tickle the girl)
Girl: Stop! Stop! Bad touch!
Guy: But you're not pink yet!

What It Should Be Named
If the makers are really insisting on using "I'm tickled pink", the best recommendation is "tickled pink". At least it would dissuade random ticklings. If a guy is intent on tickling a girl, though, I sincerely doubt a changed crayon name would stop him.


14. Purple Pizazz
Why It's Annoying
Though dictionaries refuse to admit it (their explanation is "origin obscure". That's crap.), the word pizazz dates back to a early 20th-century pizza shop that ordered too many Z's for the sign that they planned to put on the street. Instead of going with "pizzza", the owners decided to go with the previously-unknown "pizazz". Though no one really knew what they were selling, they knew they liked the word. Business boomed, and the rest, as they say, is history. Regardless of its sparkly past, the problem with this name is that purple is an adjective and not a noun. For all intents and purposes, this crayon's color is pizazz. The pizazz just happens to be purple. The crayon is not purple. It is purple pizazz.

What It Should Be Named
"Pizazzy Purple" is my official recommendation. At least that fixes the issue of the adjective-noun thing.


13. Wild Blue YonderWhy It's Annoying
This is sort of the same issue as Purple Pizazz (this crayon is actually yonder, but the yonder is both wild and blue), except that it's an obnoxious name that makes me want to kick puppies.

What It Should Be Named
"Wild Blue". The "yonder" is unnecessary.


12. Razzle Dazzle Rose
Why It's Annoying
Roses are pretty, and everyone knows what color they are. The "Razzle Dazzle", part, however, adds a confusing, annoying air. That makes sense, though, as razzle dazzle is actually defined as a state of confusion or hilarity. Though I find this color confusing, it is roughly as hilarious as riding an elevator with a cougar. Coincidentally, Razzle Dazzle Rose is also roughly the color that your blood would look like if it were splattered on the elevator walls.

What It Should Be Named
How about just "Rose"? That's simple and doesn't conjure up feelings about vicious cats riding on elevators.


11. Macaroni and Cheese
Why It's Annoying
Macaroni and Cheese is not a color. Macaroni and Cheese is a dish, and, quite frankly, not a very good dish. Sure, it tasted good after our peewee soccer games in second grade, but it just doesn't cut it for us now. Furthermore, this color is not the color of macaroni and cheese. It's actually more the color of macaroni and cheese that had salmonella and was vomited back up. Why is it so brown? Was I the only one who ate mac and cheese that was yellow-orange?

What It Should Be Named
I'm thinking "Macaroni and Cheese Vomit". That seems most accurate.


10. Purple Mountain's MajestyWhy It's Annoying
Mountains aren't purple. Furthermore, the crayon isn't majesty, it's purple. Furthermore, this crayon is really more blue than purple.

What It Should Be Named
"Majestic Purple-Blue, sort of like the same color that mountains aren't". I don't know if they could fit that on a crayon.


9. Laser LemonWhy It's Annoying
The quintessential laser is red, not yellow.

What It Should Be Named
"Lemon Yellow with the intensity of a Laser". That is, once again, if they could fit that on a crayon.


8. Mango TangoWhy It's Annoying
Neither "mango" nor "tango" are colors. Mango isn't even an adjective, and a tango is a kind of dance. If mangos and tangos were combined, they would not be this color. They would not even be a color. In fact, they couldn't be combined because you can't combine dances with fruits. I find fault with nearly everything about this name.

What It Should Be Named
"Mango Red". That's a little more explanatory, and still gives the user the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from seeing "mango" used as an adjective.


7. Atomic TangerineWhy It's Annoying
For the same reasons as "laser lemon", but realize that atomic isn't associated with anything regarding colors. Atomic Tangerine sounds like a code-name for some nuclear device that a terrorist would smuggle into Grand Central Station. I feel like it would be carried in a briefcase. I don't want my children playing with a crayon that sounds like that, especially considering how likely it is that the feds are tapping my phone. I won't even say this one out loud for fear of being arrested.

What It Should Be Named
"Orange" probably sounds a little less suspicious, but wouldn't work quite as well in rhyming poems.


6. MauvelousWhy It's Annoying
It reminds me of the aunt that everyone seems to have who talks like a New Yorker, smokes a lot, and says things are "Mah-vuh-less".

What It Should Be Called
"Mauve". Seriously.


5. Neon CarrotWhy It's Annoying
This one is the same as Laser Lemon and Atomic Tangerine, but just seems a lot more ridiculous. Carrot is just a funny word, I think.

What It Should Be Called
Though the name sounds stupid, it does sort of have a certain flow to it. For now, I approve.


4. Inch WormWhy It's Annoying
Okay, here we go. Crayola is done giving you a chance about figuring out the color of the crayon from the name. Even "atomic tangerine" is pretty obvious. Now they're just trying to mess with you. Inch worm is not a color. It's a worm. A worm that inches.

What It Should Be Called
Even "Inch Worm Green" is better than this crap.



3. RazzmatazzWhy It's Annoying
This one requires no explanation.

What It Should Be Called
Purple.


2. BittersweetWhy It's Annoying
This one is thoroughly baffling. "Bittersweet" is neither a color nor a noun, so really the name itself couldn't stand on its own, let alone explain what color the crayon is. The name, however, might have been redeemed if the color had been beautiful and artistic. However, the color is brown. Brown. That's all it is. It isn't brown mixed with orange. It isn't burnt sienna, or oak bark, or dog poop on a football field, or whatever other names Crayola likes to come up with. It's brown.

What It Should Be Called
Freaking. Brown.


1. Jazzberry JamWhy It's Annoying
This one is just confusing. If Jazzberry was an actual fruit, then maybe it would be less confusing. No, though, this crayon is the color of a fruit that doesn't exist. To be more accurate, this crayon is the color of JAM that was MADE FROM this fruit that doesn't exist. Why not just call it "Jazzberry"? Does the "Jam" really clarify anything? Does the Crayola Corporation think that people will see their crayon and think, "Jazzberry? What the hell is Jazzbe- Oh! It's jazzberry jam! Right!"

Gah.

What It Should Be Called
How about "grape jelly"? That one at least partially gives a clue as to what color the freaking crayon is.

19 comments:

Jon said...

i am a fan of the rankings except mauvelous...it just pisses me off so much
I MEAN COME ON!!!!
GRAH!!!!!!
that is all

nerdjedi said...

Bittersweet looks more red to me.

Besides that, great!

nerdjedi said...

I'd also have split the crayons thing into a few separate posts, as to avoid a big huge long post. Just me, though.

Anonymous said...

One time in first grade a classmate of mine started tickling himself with the tickle me pink crayon.

Jeff said...

I couldn't stop laughing when i read this. Thank you





fgduskm

Jedi_Raptor07 said...

Okay, forgive me, but I'm about to go all nit-picky/patriotic on you.

"Wild Blue Yonder" is an early aviation term for the sky; hence the crayon is sky blue. It's also the informal tile of the United States Air Force Song. Don' mess wit' the military.

"Purple Mountain's Majesty." America The Beautiful, man. Come on.

Now, as for the others (especially the ones high up on the list), I agree wholeheartedly.

Still, in Crayola's defense, they have to come up with a way to fill up those 64- and 128- count boxes without repeating colors.

Frances said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frances said...

I actually kind of like tickle me pink. it's such a cute color. :)

Also...I LOVE mac and cheese. But probably because the first time I had it was like 2 years ago. It's really quite new to me. That color crayon, however, makes me not want to eat it anymore.

Neon Carrot I think is weird. I mean. Carrots that are neon probably aren't very good for you.

Inch worm...eww. You know how I feel about bugs. And also, that's not a very pretty color.

Bittersweet should be a shade of pink/purple or something. I really like that word, bittersweet. But that color does not look bittersweet.

Razzmatazz? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Razzle Dazzle makes me think of like...white or yellow or something really bright.

I like the Wild Yonder Blue and the Purple Pizazz as names, though.

Laser Lemon makes me feel like...DUCK! IT'S A LASER LEMON COMING AT YOU! Feels dangerous for some reason.

Overall...
Cutee :)
Well. Cute isn't exactly the word.
But it made me laugh

Carissa said...

this amused me
except bittersweet is a type of chocolate and chocolate is brown...
but other than that... i quite enjoyed this.
and, cute picture.

emma said...

you know, sam, someone probably tried really hard to think up creative names for the colors.
and i once did see a purple mountain. when the sun was just right.
despite the above critique, i really enjoyed this post.

your mother said...

you have way too much time on your hands. that's all i'm saying.

FGM said...

just kidding. that one really wasn't from your mother. it was from your godmother ahahaha!

talk about too much time on your hands said...

just kidding. you don't have a godmother! ahahahaha!

me said...

this is why i never comment on your blog. i have a really hard time stopping.

let's be honest said...

rachel is weird.

CRAYOLA MINISTER said...

I'LL TICKLE ME PINK YOU!!!!!

joe said...

Etymology of pizazz:

1937, probably originally college or show-biz slang.

"Pizazz, to quote the editor of the Harvard Lampoon, is an indefinable dynamic quality, the je ne sais quoi of function; as for instance, adding Scotch puts pizazz into a drink. Certain clothes have it, too." ["Harper's Bazaar," March 1937]

"The quintessential laser is red, not yellow." \-Incorrect semantically and scientifically. The "quintessence" of a laser would have to do with its focus, not with its color, which is just a side-effect of its wavelength.

I don't see how you could possibly be so bothered by the names of these crayons that you would spend this much time criticizing them. (For that matter, why do you still have these crayons?)

Sam LIES!! said...

DESPITE WHAT SAM SAYS, THIS is the original "bittersweet" he posted... http://bp3.blogger.com/_ltqUjOwA_OM/SJErLZ1T-yI/AAAAAAAAAZo/1F4AKxQLoNY/s1600-h/bittersweet.jpg

ello said...

That. Was. Amazing. I laughed many.