(Special thanks to the Language and Mathematics Departments at Dartmouth University for a mostly-accurate translation.)
FUBU MISSION FOR SENTIENT BEINGS; MISSION 9837; "EARTH"
Earth introduced itself to the rest of the universe in a most curious manner. They launched vibrations of dangerously high speeds across the universe, exterminating a nearby Necklon Colony by disrupting electrical currents necessary for the movement of cellular fluid in the Necklon people. Necklons, working in conjunction with Fubu scientists, traced the origin of the message. The Fubu warned against direct confrontation. Necklons sent a scouting party, determining the atmospheric pressure to be too high for their species, but safe for ours. It was determined that the Fubu would send a diplomatic convoy, complete with specimens of Fubu DNA and rocks from the planet.
The convoy arrived on (at this point the document uses an indecipherable time and date system), at (time). The convoy scouted quickly, moving over the earth six times before settling over the apparent center of culture and learning, Milwaukee (mile-wow-KEE), Wisconsin (wizz-CAHN-sin), at (time). The ship descended, and the humans gathered around under the ship. Immediately, the class distinctions were made obvious, indicated by what the species of a creature known as "clothing" a human was living in symbiosis with. Those living in symbiosis with a green and brown creature were at the top of the heap; to denote their stature they carried large, black objects with a hole at one end (these objects were later determined to be used to deliver specimens of rock-like material at high speeds). Those living in symbiosis with some sort of curiously formed "business attire" species of clothing were next, and those with other species of clothing were below this class (this symbiotic relationship is interesting and must be studied further).
In order to humble himself, the primary diplomat decided to use the fabricator to emulate the middle-class. He created a thorough copy of the symbiont that lived in harmony with this class. Though it was something of an awkward fit, the diplomat did manage to fit into the copy that was fabricated.
He exited the ship at (time), made his way down the ramp, and greeted the humans with a traditional shaking of the (this word does not translate, but probably means "cilia"). He made a quick observation of his surroundings using his sensor. At this point, a human leader, who had been waiting at the bottom of the ramp, extended a limb in order to to exchange genetic material for study, and the diplomat complied by donating a sample. The human responded by holding still, presumably an invitation for the diplomat to collect DNA. The Fubu attempted to collect material, facilitated by the human moving his limbs wildly in attempt to allow the Fubu diplomat to remove a sample. The diplomat was unsuccessful, and decided to save the task of gathering the human DNA for a later mission. The diplomat verbally expressed his desire to exchange a sample at a later time.
It was at this point that the upper class used their black objects to exchange rocks from their planet. They courteously launched the objects into the Fubu diplomat. After they had completed, the diplomat re-entered the spacecraft to deposit the human sample of rock and to retrieve his own. He exited the spacecraft once again, donated a sample of rock, and then re-entered the spacecraft. He determined the mission to be completed, and decided that future expeditions could be outfitted with more specimens of the Fubu way of life in order to facilitate relations between the two species.
At (time), the spacecraft left Milwaukee and was immediately beset upon by an unknown species of Earth. The species delivered a number of explosive payloads to the Fubu craft, which was destroyed over an apparent cultural wasteland known as "Vermont" (FUR-mount).
ANOTHER ATTEMPT IS NOT RECOMMENDED.
THINGS DID NOT GO AS PLANNED.