Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Thoroughly Competent

It was love from the beginning, and it was across a street.

It was perfect, and it was beautiful, and it was across a street.

It was a gas station, and it was an orthodontist's office, and it was across a street.

Because James didn't want to be a gas station attendant, but his wife had just left him and he needed the money because he had paid for law school for her and then, as soon as she graduated, she left him, and he hadn't seen it coming, not even a little bit, and he was interviewing for the job, certain that he could never stoop this low, when he glanced across the street and saw her.

Sherry didn't want to be an Orthodontist's Secretary, but her father had insisted and then that was what she got comfortable with. So she went to Orthodontist's school and came home and lived with her parents and even when they both died (within a week of each other), she stayed in the same room she had always lived in a big, empty Victorian home, afraid to throw out the dolls that were on her dresser because she loved her mom and she missed her mom and she didn't want to say goodbye yet, but one day she looked out the window of the Orthodontist's office and saw him.

And for an entire year, they were in love from afar. James stared at her while she was calling people to see why they hadn't showed up for their appointments, and Sherry stared at him as he sold diet cokes to fat men with SUV's, and sometimes, when neither of them were doing anything, they'd glance up and look at each other and then they'd blush.

And then, one day, James was staring at Sherry and snapped and he had to meet her and he got up and he marched across the road and got hit by a fat man driving an SUV who wasn't paying attention because he had just spilled his diet coke and he died.

Sherry decided to take the rest of the day off. She was suddenly really tired.


This is a picture of a cattail, but instead of taking it so the whole cattail is in focus and the background isn't, I decided to take it so only the very top of the cattail is in focus. It didn't come out quite how I expected, but I like it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I edited colors and contrast a little bit, sharpened it up, and added a vignette. I'd recommend clicking the picture so you can really see the part that's in focus. It's cool.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Get a Grip

So my friend and I were out shopping yesterday. He had always admired my messenger bag, and for his birthday I decided I would get him one. We went into this really cool store, and this really pretty girl about our age was helping us.

She had walked us to the back of the store where there were a variety of colorful bags. As she was talking to us about our various options, my friend took a bag off the shelf and leaned over towards me.

"Hey," he said, "I heard girls really like inquisitive guys. Maybe I'll ask her why this bag has such an unnecessarily large handle."

"Don't do it," I said, "it's a strap."

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Runner

It was bright out, so she didn't move.

Any second now a twig might snap, or a dog might bark, or a hornet might come over and sting her, and that would be it.

She inhaled.

Any second now a wind might blow or the guards would notice her, and that would be it.

She exhaled.

Any second now it would be over and she would be dead and that would be it.

She breathed.

She waited.

Soon it would be dark, and she would move again.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

High-Contrast Test

This one really looks like an album cover.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Lighthouse

This blind guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. As the bartender prepares it, he turns to the man next to him.

"Do you want to hear a dumb blond joke I heard this afternoon?" he asks.

The man next to him whispers in his ear. "You're blind, aren't you?"

"Why yes, I am."

"Look, here's the deal: the bartender is a seven foot tall blond with massive muscles and a membership to the NRA. The bouncer, the manager, and the woman sitting next to you are in the same boat; in fact, they all work out together at the club for blonds down the street. Do you really want to tell a dumb blond joke?"

"Nah, man," the blind guy replies, "not if I'm going to have to repeat it like eight times."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


My sister is hardcore. This was taken during a frisbee tournament on Sunday. The next time it rains I need to take a picture of someone like this.

And Jeff, that was the funniest comment I've ever read.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Deer Running

This is probably continuing with the roadkill theme, Emma.

Monday, May 19, 2008

That Little Strip

When I'm in the car at night and I have my lights on, there's always this little strip of darkness that's visible when I'm driving up hills that hasn't yet been illuminated by my car's high beams.

I feel like there's something lurking there, in that patch of nature in an otherwise thoroughly contrived field of view, waiting to jump out at me, to grab me, to turn the lights of my car off and to make my eyes adjust to the dark and to make me look up at the night sky and appreciate its beauty.

That little strip scares me.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Friday, May 16, 2008

Johnna! II

Expertly patched up by our resident editor, Tim.

By the way, the post under this is not a story. It's a Nigerian Email Scam that got through my spam filter.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Good Day,

I am James Dale an Auditor in a commercial Bank, in the process of auditing our bank accounts this quarter, I and one of my colleagues recently discovered that there is a dormant account valued at the sum (Ten Million British Pound Sterling) and after due verification of this account we discovered that the account owner is late and that is why the account has been dormant and as such a (Ten Million British Pound Sterling) has been lying in the bank unclaimed.

The idea of presenting a foreigner to act as his next of kin came into our mind, as you know the said deceased is a foreigner as well. Hence, that is how and why we have contacted you to present you as his next of kin, so that the Ј10,000,000.00 will be paid to you and we can both disburse the fund according to the percentage we will agree upon.

In view of this, I am seeking for your co-operation and understanding to stand as the next of kin to our deceased customer, to enable us claim the fund from my bank. Hence, if this proposal is OK by you and you do not wish to take undue advantage of my trust, then I hope to bestow on you. Please kindly get back to me immediately only through my personal contact email;

On getting your response, we shall agree on the percentage ratio on which we shall disburse the (Ten Million British Pound Sterling) between us, as we intend to invest part of our own share in real estate or any lucrative business in your country, and we would appreciate if you can put us in the right part where we can invest our own share in your country. I will not contact any person or company until I hear from you, so as to enable me decides on what to do next.

Be rest assured that this business is 100% risk free.

We wait for your prompt response.

Best Regards,
James Dale.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Ba-Dum Psh

Me: "It's not like any of us have lives anyway."

Tim: "Hey!" (Pause) "Jeff does!"

Thursday, May 08, 2008


I know what the student feels, ah me.
when the sun is bright on the courtyard chairs,
when the wind blows soft through the springing grass
and the day in beauty does surpass,
when the first bell chimes and the freshmen stare,
and they trip in the hallway with a high-pitched squeal.
I know what the student feels.

I know why the student takes AP's
and he studies late into the night,
for he must pass tests and he can't get B's
when he fain would be feeling a cool, cool breeze.
So he's stuck in the honor student's plight
His own sense of self he can appease.
I know why he takes AP's.

I know why the student sighs, ah me.
When his back is sore and his fingers shake.
It is not a sigh just to breathe the air,
but a darker one of deep despair,
And he yearns for the day when his brain won't ache,
and to his studies he'll say his sweet goodbyes,
I know why the student sighs.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


I really like the colors of this one.

Saturday, May 03, 2008


My friend and I were walking in the woods the other day, when suddenly, up ahead, I noticed a little corner of blue fabric sticking out of some dead leaves that were on the ground.

I was walking over to it when my friend stopped me. He told me that he suspected that the ground in front of me was not solid and that someone had dug a hole and then covered the hole with a big canvas and put dead leaves and dirt on the canvas so that, when someone stepped on it, they would fall into the hole.

"Are you sure?" I responded, "That seems sort of far-fetched". I began walking towards the little corner of blue.

"Stop!" he yelled, "It's a tarp!"

Thursday, May 01, 2008


Yesterday, my brother got tired of seeing things.

He poked both of his eyes out, left us a note, and then called an ambulance.

It was a weird day.