Sunday, August 13, 2006

Closing Remarks

As most of you know, it is very difficult to deliver a powerful exiting statement.

This is the story of what would have been one of the most powerful exiting statements to be made.

Unfortunately, it's also about how I ruined it.

As the story picked up, I was falling through a sea of black and white. It had felt like about 5 minutes, but it had actually been 10 years.

In those 10 years, Tim had become a famous nerd, Jeff and Jeff were doing comedy acts, and Angie and Maddie were on broadway.

And John Heywood, under the pseudonym "Don Juan", had become the world's youngest mafia enforcer. In two years he would become the world's youngest mafia don, but that was a different story.

At this point in time, he was on talking with another mafia family who were trying to negotiate the release of a hostage.

Sometimes people use the saying, "and then everything went black". Less common is "and then everything went white". But almost ever used is "and then everything went sky blue". Unfortunately, I now have to use this phrase.

As I was saying, I was falling through a sea of black and white.

And then everything went sky blue.

That's odd.


Oh fine.

I twisted in the air to see below me, and I saw a building.

Crap. I'm going to hit that building.

Yep. Sucks for you.

Please just try to support me for once.

Fine. You're going to be fine.

No I'm not.

Look, do you want me to sing broadway again?


Gee, Officer Krupky, you've done it again.

I ignored it.

Meanwhile, Don Juan was getting up from the table. The other negotiaters looked expectantly. His response would decide the fate of the hostage. He was about to deliver the most powerful exiting statement of all time. And I was about to ruin it.

"Deliver this message to your don. Tell him Don Juan said 'F-'"

At this point, there was a deafening crash. I came slamming through the ceiling, smashing into the table, and coming to rest on the floor.

Juan finished his sentence: "'You.'"

He stormed out of the room, raging at the infernal child who ruined his poewrful exit. He made a note. "The redhead: Whack".

Back in the building, I decided the awkward silence had lasted long enough. I stood up, brushed myself off, and bid them good day.

Walking outside, I came upon an angry Don Juan, armed with a shotgun.

Ah. I'm going to die, aren't I?

Yep. Gee, Officer Krupky, Krup You!

I was scared now. John took aim at my chest, and made another powerful closing statement: "Sam, I'm sorry that I have to do this. But I'm afraid your time is u-"

My cell-phone rung.

Juan swore as I picked it up.

"Sam, it's God again."

"'sup?" I asked, cooly.

"I need you to do something."

"What's that?"

"Could you pass the mayonnaise?"

I didn't bother hanging the phone up. I just dropped it.

"Don Juan, could you do me a favor?"

He answered impatiently. "What?"

"Would you shoot me?"

He was more than happy to oblige.


nerdjedi said...

Um... Wow. That was... special.

nerdjedi said...

I liked it
Though it's Don Juampi

andrew said...

Ouch. 12-guage shotgun vs. 9th grader. Someone find me a sponge. Or Twelve.

Kelly h said...

Why couldn't I be on broadway?!?!?!?! Good story. wierd, but good!

Jeff said...

Very interesting! I'll have to show it to John the next time I see him.

Leah said...

Hmm, if he became a don would he be Don Don Juan? Or would he change his name to something hip like Don(squared)? I would. I think. I think that if there isn't mayonaisse my grandmother will probably have some. It might be past its expiration date though. Speaking of which, what if there were explodation dates, when the food would not only go bad, but explode as well?

angie said...


emma said...

but see, we have already learned that sam is immortal, from his extreme fall off the cloud. so where does the shooting leave him?
and do you realize you have a spelling error on the side bar? it's aquarium, not acquarium. from aqua, meaning water, and -ium, a suffix used to indicate place. yay etymologies camp.

Jen said...

I agree with Kelly. (Well, sort of.) Why wasn't I even in the story? o.O

Melissa said...

Weren't you already beaten to death by george gershwin?