Sunday, February 25, 2007

"A Spoon Under Your Pillow"

“How the Grinch Failed Miserably at Stealing Christmas”

Every Who
Down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

Max was quite a sight to see that night. He was all dressed up, a little pair of antlers strapped to his head and a bright red ball on the tip of his nose. The dog probably would have been the cutest thing if it had not been for his owner.

The owner was quite a sight to see as well, but those who saw him were hardly enviable. His Santa Clause suit was two sizes too small, and the hat, somehow, was two sizes too large. His furry green body reeked, not having known the cleansing rinse of a shower for months.

The Grinch’s sleigh creaked quietly down the Who-Ville Street, pulled by his poor dog Max. He regarded the nearest house.

"This is stop number one," he said to Max.

His dog did not reply.

It never did.

The Grinch hopped nimbly off of his sleigh, and grabbed a rope. Carefully, he threw one end of it on top of the roof, around the chimney, and then back down. Bracing himself against the wall, he climbed up to the roof of the house. He proceeded to toss his bag down the chimney and jump down after it.

Cindy Lou-Who had been up to get a drink of water when the thump of the Grinch hitting the bottom of the chimney caused her to go investigate. She wandered over to see him actively dragging her Christmas tree through the living room.

"Santy Clause," she called, "why are you taking our Christmas Tree. Why?"

The Grinch was quick on his feet. "There is a short in the lights. I’m taking it back to my shop to fix it."

"Oh," said Cindy, "well, I’m sure we can fix it here. We have extra lights. I’ll go grab them."
As she ran off, the Grinch decided on a simple plan of action: with all the lights in a tree, there must be a short somewhere. He would fix it, send the little Who off to bed, and come back for this house later.

Cindy knew something was up, and as she quickly gathered the lights, she came up with her own plan.

When she returned, the Grinch was already combing over the lengths of lights, looking for a short. Cindy went over to the couch and sat down, watching him peacefully.

"Aha!" cried the Grinch, triumphant, "I found it!" He began unscrewing the light.

Immediately, Cindy was at his side. "Stop!" she yelled, "if you don’t unplug the lights, you’ll hurt yourself! Haven't you ever heard the ancient Who poem?"

The Grinch groaned as Cindy began reciting.

"To dive into battle without a thought
Is surely a foolish crime,
For a lord that gives battle at will, you see,
Will lose this fight in a short time.

The lord who considers a crucial act,
Will surely win the war,
His opponent, who attacked without a thought,
Will wish he had learned to before."

With that, Cindy unplugged the lights, and the Grinch replaced the bulb. "Alright," said the Grinch, "you’re all set."

"But wait," cried Cindy, "the lights don’t work anymore". She pretended that she was plugging them in, but she was actually plugging in an old power strip that had long stopped working. The Grinch, however, did not notice. He grumbled and went back to work on the light. He took out the bulb and inspected it.

Cindy walked over. "Oh," she said, "I see the problem. There’s a piece of dirt in the base. Could you wipe it off?"

The Grinch stuck his finger into the Christmas light base, trying to get the piece of dirt out. Meanwhile, Cindy went back over to the wall, plugging the lights in.

Needless to say, the Grinch was shocked.

Friday, February 23, 2007

"Inside of a Colander"

The full title for this piece is actually "My Life on the Inside of a Colander (New Widescreen Edition)", but I decided that I'd shorten it for the sake of my "Recent Posts" list.

I think I'm going to do something where I write a short story and then turn it into a screenplay. Let me know what you guys think.

I have also officially abandoned "Malachi: A Memoir"; today is the two-month anniversary of its most recent post.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Writer

I don't know what's up with the embedding; it's oddly shaped, but you can still see it. And I know the quality is bad, but whatever.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

"Broken Club"

I would like to address a few comments.

The goals of my essays had nothing to do with the destruction of VOA. "Ideas Are Bulletproof" was meant to be a study in essay writing. I chose the topic because I wanted to answer some serious ethical questions about anonymity that I had, and I hoped, at the time, that they would tie up some loose ends for you guys too.

I am disappointed that no one choose to comment on the actual content of my essay, but rather chose to personally attack me on the topic I chose to close with. In my last essay I questioned the impact of anonymous commenting, and was perturbed to see that no one had even brought up the subject in their comments.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Saturday, February 10, 2007

"Ante Up"

I'm not a huge fan of the picture, but I like the shadows.

Anyway, check The Christmas Heist. I think it's my favorite of the things I've written. Hopefully I can make it a full-length movie instead of my other shorter screenplays.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

"Carnation Films"

Introducing Carnation Films, my production company.

Also, check Ideas Are Bulletproof.

Friday, February 02, 2007


I like the coloring the best, I think.

Anyway, I'm working on a new essay for you, as well as trying to map out the plot for "The Christmas Heist". So... basically there's nothing new.