Today I met God.
Our conversation did not go as well as I expected.
Our meeting was up in the sky. We were both sitting cross-legged on a cloud. He served me tea, which I thought was quite polite of him. It was too sweet, but I decided it would be better not to complain.
"Hello, God." I said. I thought this was a reasonable greeting. I considered bowing, but I decided that might be too formal.
"Hello, Samuel," he answered, "I have waited a long time to meet you."
"Oh," I said, unsure of what to say, "Why is that?"
"Because you have been a terrible influence on your friends. They are devoted to my religion and you try to steer them wrong" he said.
"Ah," I answered, "but didn't you give us free will so that we may make our own choices? I believe that if these followers are truly devout, they will not be swayed by my thinking."
At this point there seemed to be a pause. He asked me if I would pass the mayonnaise. I saw none of this condiment on the table.
"God, there is no mayo on the table. In fact, we are drinking tea. Why would you need mayonnaise?"
"Your lack of faith disturbs me." he answered.
"Are you quoting Darth Vader?" I questioned.
"No," he answered, "this is your problem. You have a lack of faith. Instead of questioning the existence of mayonnaise, you should have simply gone to the refridgerator and gotten some more."
I answered as respectfully as I could. "Yes, but I am a guest. I find it rude for a guest to raid their host's refridgerator. Also, there is no refridgerator on this cloud."
"Are you saying that refridgerators don't exist?" He asked.
"Clearly, no," I said, "I am merely saying that there are none on this cloud."
"Turn around." he said slyly.
Turning around, I saw nothing except for what appeared to be a motorboat, as well as the remains of a slightly larger-than-average-sized rat.
I turned back to god and, once again, questioned the existence of a refridgerator on this cloud.
"Are you saying that refridgerators don't exist?" He asked, for a second time.
"No!" I said, "I am saying that there are no refridgerators on this cloud. Is there, perhaps, one I don't see?"
"There is one, but you must truly believe there is one."
I closed my eyes and willed, with all of my heart, for there to be a refridgerator on the cloud. Opening my eyes, I heard music. Specifically, George Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue".
I turned around to see Jeff playing a piano. Sitting rather serenely on top of the piano was a jar of mayonnaise. I picked it up and brought it over to god.
"What is this?" he asked.
"It is your jar of mayonnaise!" I answered.
"I do not want this! Dispose of it."
I brought it to the edge of the cloud, and, carefully aiming for the Kremlin, threw it off.
"Yes, my child?"
"Is it a coincidence that both Jeff and I are Jewish and we are both here with you?"
"My god, you're right!" He realized, "I'll fix that at once."
The music paused for a minute, and then at the piano bench appeared George Gershwin, picking up where Jeff left off in the song.
"God, I'm sorry. George Gershwin was Jewish too." I said, quietly.
God quickly whipped out a laptop and typed a bit.
"Right again. And, what's this? He's in heaven! That's not right at all. Right then, new memo. Note to Saint Peter and all other staff at the admissions office: Do not allow anybody, even if this person is a fine composer, into heaven without first checking their religion."
As God finished typing, I realized that I wasn't going to heaven, no matter what. What a relief. No more pressure to be good.
"Ah, now. Where was I? Right. I'll clear this up right away."
The music paused again, and then, continuing in George Gershin's spot, was Frances.
"Frances?" I asked him, "She doesn't even play jazz!"
"Are you saying that jazz doesn't exist?" He asked.
"Of course not, I was saying that-"
He cut me off. "Are you saying that Frances doesn't exist?"
"No! I was saying that-"
"Please pass the mayonnaise."
At this point, I decided that my conversation with god was over. I grabbed Frances and shoved her off the cloud, and then jumped after her.
I've been told that, when falling, the actual fall is not the problem.
It's the sudden stop at the end.