Monday, September 08, 2008

The Anti-Jeff: Part 2

Efficiency was the name of the game, so it wasn't hard to see why the Jeffs were losing so badly.

Having Jeff at my house was a nightmare. Not only was I at constant risk of catching some disease (I had to forego the air filter for the sake of looking like I was on his side), he was massively inefficient. He woke up at 7:30 AM, went to sleep nearly TWO HOURS after sundown, and even refused to take food in pill form. I was astounded. I did my best to keep my eyes down in the supermarket line, clutching bread for the first time in a number of year, but I couldn't avoid the dirty looks I received from the other customers in line.

The Jeffers were clever, though; I had to give them that. At meetings I repeatedly inquired as to the location of the other Jeff, but those who knew refused to divulge the information. "We know you're concerned about your friend," they said, "but it's too dangerous. If you were captured..."

I thought maybe hosting a Jeff at my house would convince them I was trustworthy, but they refused to budge. Now, however, I was stuck with a refugee I wasn't interested in. The piano practicing lasted into all hours of the mid-afternoon, and though he had yet to request to indulge in a rousing game of hamster-baseball, I knew it would come eventually. Could I really sacrifice an innocent hamster so that I could capture another Jeff? I came to the conclusion that it was necessary.

Time passed, and I realized that the Jeffers wouldn't give me the location of the other Jeff. Ultimately, I would have to make a decision: turn in the Jeff I had now, or allow him to continue to run rampant through society in the hopes that, eventually, I could turn both of them in.

I had something of a dilemma on my hands.

The answer presented itself days later when Jeff and I were playing videogames (I had gotten rid of JEFFHUNT, so we had to play some other stupid fighting game). After defeating me for the upteenth time, Jeff sighed. I asked him what was on his mind (like I care).

"Oh, nothing," he mumbled, "it's just that Jeff was really good at this game. I haven't seem him since we were in hiding together."

"That's gotta be really rough. We should ask the Jeffers if you guys can get together for a little reminiscing," I suggested, trying to be casual.

His face lit up. "Yeah, maybe we could do that!"

"What did you ever do when you were in hiding?" I asked, trying to be casual.

"Oh, not much," he replied, still thinking about the other Jeff.

"No ultimate kitten?"


As we sat there deciding whether I had asked Jeff if he played ultimate kitten or if he actually danced on the grave of George Washington, a plan began forming in my head. Though the Jeffers would not let me see the other Jeff, it was very possible that they would let Jeff see him. They did seem determined to give Jeffs all the freedoms that they didn't deserve. By slipping a tracker into Jeff's shoe, I could easily track him to the location of the other Jeff, and then it was just a matter of alerting the proper authorities. I could have this whole thing wrapped up in a week.

"Hey Sam?" Jeff's voice brought me out of my daydream.


"You were laughing a lot," he said, giving me a confused look.

"Oh, sorry." I cursed myself. I had to be more careful.

"Also you were chanting 'Down with Jeff!' and making stabbing motions."

"Oh yeah," I answered vaguely, "that's my exercise routine."

Jeff seemed less than satisfied with that answer.


joe said...

It's very easy to imagine Sam doing that...hehehe

Not Jeff said...

hahaha, this is great. Which Jeff is this? me or other? And by me i mean not me...


Frances said...

it looks like you got "2 comments" already xP haha. i hope you feel better.

i actually started reading this but then decided i really should do chem or something.

but i'll read/comment for real later. :D

Jedi_Raptor07 said...

this is getting good.

Funny and suspenseful at the same time. Didn't think it could be done. Excellent work.

Don't be creepy! said...

HAHAHA YOUR EXERCISE ROUTINE?! Some exercise routine...:P

Click, whirr said...

That really does sound like a typical Sam excuse. :P