Thursday, October 30, 2014

Unanswered Questions Following Rocket Explosion

WALLOPS ISLAND, VA - As scientists scrambled to explain what went wrong during the disastrous launch of the Antares rocket, an unmanned commercial supply spacecraft that exploded during its lift-off on Wednesday night, the public was asking their own questions, namely, "What rocket?"

"There was a rocket launch?" asked Bill Walsh, a local mattress salesman.

News of the explosion left many puzzled about the rocket's purpose or even its existence in the first place.

"I honestly did not know we were still launching rockets," said Amy Jacobs, a local business owner. "Where was the rocket going in the first place? Did anyone get hurt?"

Ms. Jacobs seemed as relieved as she was even more confused when she found out the rocket was unmanned. "We can, like, fly rockets without anyone in it?" she asked. "When did we start doing that?"

At press time, scientists were explaining that the rocket's payload was intended to be delivered to the International Space Station, and local residents were wondering aloud if "that was actually a thing."

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Black Jellybeans Fucking Gross, Study Shows

DURHAM, NC - In a new study released Tuesday that challenges common ideas of candy flavor parity, researchers at Duke University found that black jellybeans are fucking gross.

"After examining the vast amount of data we gathered over the past several years, we confirmed that the suspicions we had from the beginning were indeed correct," lead researcher Harry Fisch said. "Black jellybeans taste like shit and no one likes them."

The experiment involved several rounds of scientifically rigorous double-blind trials. Fisch said that the results "determined once and for all" that the licorice-flavored gelatin treats are "super disgusting."

"Ugh," he added.

At press time, researchers were picking out the purple skittles from a bowl of candy and throwing them in the trash.