With Apologies to Seth Zweifler, Editor-in-Chief

There is something fitting about me writing this column, even if I don't know it should be "my writing this column." "Writing", after all, is being used as an object (a gerund, for all you trivia buffs), and nouns don't take other nouns as modifiers. Proofreading forward and backward, I'll admit I never thought this time would come. But, just six words into this article, that elusive concept called "grammar" seems to be less and less of an important reality every day.

In the coming weeks, I challenge you - not just high school newspaper columnists, but all Stoga students - to look at your writing so far. Ask yourself this question: when I use a verb as a noun, what sort of pronoun did I include to precede it?

Maybe your answer is the personal "me." Maybe your answer is the possessive "my." But whatever it is, it needs to be "my." If it's not, don't worry - you're just worthy of the scorn and contempt your peers undoubtedly feel for you.

It may not mean anything to you now, but when you ever get around to learning how to write in your native language, it will.

Trust me - I'm a reporter.

Voice Males

A. Pind Ropp

My best friend in middle school was named A. Pind Ropp. He was the sort of guy who only piped up when it got really quiet.

Highbrow Socioeconomic Commentary

Arguably, they could be correct. I mean hearts do desire. But given the context - the tacky suburban kitsch and general disdain for good taste - I'd say the cliché they were going for was as predictable as the surrounding heart-shaped knick-knacks. I wonder what's special about that golf ball.

Prose

An Exposition: Act III

1 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 1

SAM drives again, JED sits shotgun.

On Screen: ACT III: The Break Even

SAM
January 30, 2:30. We're heading over to Jesse's right now, my friend here is Jed Thompson. Jed, say hi.

JED
Hi.

SAM
Jesse is single now. He's not dating Meg because he said he needed some time to think about things. We're going to teach him a lesson for hurting me the way he did, aren't we, Jed? Say we are.

JED
We are.

SAM
So Jed called saying he needed help with Physics, but after he rings the doorbell, Jesse's going to come out and I'm going to beat the (bleep) out of him.

SAM pulls the car over.

SAM
We better not get closer to his house, or he'll see who drove you.

SAM and JED get out.

SAM
Jed, take the camera.

JED reaches in and takes the camera.

SAM
Turn it off while we're walking.

2 - Ext. JESSE's House - Afternoon - 2

JED
Okay, we're back on.

SAM hides by the door. JED films, out of the frame.

SAM
Ready?

JED
Ready.

He goes up to the door and rings the doorbell. He films the door.

SAM (off-screen, whispering)
Hide the camera! Hide the camera!

JED puts the camera behind his back.

Off-screen, JESSE opens the door.

JESSE
Hey, Jed!

JED
Hey.

There is silence.

JESSE (wondering what's up)
Do you want to come inside?

JED
Why don't you come outside for a second?

JESSE
Er - why?

JED
It's a nice day.

JESSE is silent, then:

JESSE
Is Sam out there?

JED (under JESSE)
No!

JESSE
Yes he is! Sam, what the hell, man? Why are you hiding?

SAM
I'm not hiding. I'm waiting - to kick your ass.

JED steps back and starts filming again. JESSE steps outside. SAM stands nearby, looking apprehensive but trying to be determined.

JESSE
Sam, I'm sorry. I just - I'm sorry you got hurt. You can hit me if you want.

SAM
You broke my girlfriend's heart, and then broke my new girlfriend's heart!

JESSE
Are you mad about that, though, or are you just mad you don't have Meredith?

SAM
No! It's not her! I don't even care about her.

JESSE
Why not? I thought that was the big problem.

SAM
There's someone else anyways.

JESSE steps forward.

JESSE
Who? Meg?

SAM
No, Jesse! It's -

He freezes and stares JESSE in the eyes. His face softens. He goes for it.

Cut to black. Music plays. Credits roll.

End.

An Exposition: Act II

1 - Int. Car - Night - 1

SAM is in the car, driving again. He is being filmed handheld by someone sitting in the passenger seat. He looks a little crazy.

On screen: Act II

SAM
January 23, 7:45 PM. After last week Meredith broke up with me and now she and Jesse are dating Facebook-officially and all that. So on Monday I asked out this girl Meg McCabe to make Meredith jealous, and I think it might be working. Meg's getting a little clingy though, so we'll see how that goes.

SAM makes a turn.

SAM
Here, babe. You can just mount the camera up here.

MEG, who it is now revealed was holding the camera in the passenger seat, mounts it on the dashboard.

SAM
Thanks. Anyway, we're on the way to Meredith's house. She always said she wanted to be friends after we break up, so I pressured her into going on a double date so she realized how much she hates seeing me with someone else.

MEG looks sad and awkward, like a recently-kicked golden retriever puppy.

MEG
But, hey, you do like me, right?

SAM
Of course, baby. But this is still for the film festival so be quiet, okay?

MEG
Sure.

SAM shushes her.

MEG
I was just saying I would be qu-

SAM shushes her again, loudly.

SAM (interrupting)
Shh, baby, it's fine. Just keep that cute little mouth shut.

MEG looks out the window sadly and awkwardly, like a recently-kicked golden retriever puppy looking out a window. SAM pulls the car into MEREDITH's driveway.

SAM
Here we are!

He honks aggressively as he turns the car around. When he's done turning around, he honks again.

JESSE AND MEREDITH get the back seat. MEREDITH sits directly behind SAM, JESSE sits in middle with his arm around MEREDITH.

SAM drives.

SAM (looking back)
Jesse, could you sit on the side of the car? I can't see out the rearview mirror.

JESSE
Really? I could sort of duck down.

SAM
Just move, okay? There's plenty of room over there.

JESSE moves. SAM rolls his eyes at the camera.

MEG looks back at MEREDITH and JESSE.

MEG
Hey Mer.

MEREDITH
Hey Meg. How was your Saturday?

SAM turns on the music.

MEG
It was okay. Sam and I went to lunch and he left me in the bathroom.

SAM laughs loudly.

SAM
I was joking, okay? I told you that.

MEG
What did you do?

SAM turns up the music louder and louder. MEREDITH talks but can't be heard.

2 - Int. Car - Night - 2

A few minutes later. The music is off. No one is talking.

JESSE
So are you guys excited for Avatar?

MEREDITH
Yeah, I heard it was really good.

MEG
Oh yeah? I read this article in the New Yorker about this camera that saw the virtual world while it was-

SAM pulls into a spot and parks.

SAM
We're here.

He gets out. Everyone follows suit.

3 - Int. Car - Night - 3

After the movie. Everyone gets back in the car.

SAM
Well that was a waste of time.

MEG (quieter)
I really liked it.

JESSE
So did I.

MEREDITH
So did I.

SAM
Fine, whatever.

He drives off.

4 - Int. Car - Night - 4

A few minutes later.

SAM
Sorry, I have to get some gas. It'll just be a minute.

He pulls up to the station.

SAM
Don't have too much fun in here without me!

He gets out of the car.

MEREDITH
So Meg, what was your favorite part of the movie?

MEG
I really liked the scene where that pilot breaks them out of jail.

SAM pokes his head in.

SAM
Hey, what did I say about all that fun?

There is silence. SAM finishes gassing up the car and gets back in. He gets back in, and they sit in the car for a second. Everyone waits for SAM to start the car. SAM ponders.

MEG
Honey?

SAM
Yeah, hey babe. Why don't you sit in the back and let Meredith sit in the front? That way we can sort of do a little switch.

MEG (suddenly angry)
No! I (bleep) waited for you in that damn restaurant, I listened to you tell me that you were only dating me to get back at Meredith, I put up with all your (bleep) tonight. I'm done. I'm just done. Drive me home.

A beat of silence. MEG catches her breath. SAM looks hurt, but less like he's sorry and more like he's just been insulted. He gets out of the car.

SAM
I'm going to grab some water from inside.

MEREDITH, JESSE, and MEG are awkwardly silent.

MEREDITH
I think I might get something also.

JESSE
Me too.

They get out of the car. MEG stares dejectedly out the window. MEREDITH shuts her door, but JESSE doesn't shut his.

MEREDITH (off-screen)
What are you doing?

JESSE (off-screen)
Just go ahead, I'll be right there.

He pokes his head back in and sits in the back.

JESSE
Hey Meg?

MEG
Yeah.

JESSE
Sam can be a jerk sometimes, but he really is a nice guy usually.

It's quiet. MEG looks down.

JESSE
I'm sorry he treated you like that tonight.

MEG looks JESSE in the eyes.

They begin making out frantically.

Cut to black.

An Exposition: Act I

1 - Int. Car - Morning - 1

SAM turns on the camera, suddenly and awkwardly filming the inside of his car. He mounts it on the dashboard and turns it to face the whole car. He speaks directly to the camera.

He starts driving.

SAM
Alright, January 16, (he checks his watch) 11:45 PM. So this is a little experiment I'm trying out. Many of you know my girlfriend, Meredith Friel, and some of you may also know - uh - Jesse Silliman. Anyway, Meredith really doesn't like Jesse for reasons I can't seem to fathom, and it makes Jesse really uncomfortable to be around her and me and it's just awkward. So today I'm picking them both up to hang out, and we'll see if they can be friends by the end of the day. I bought this little spy camera, and hopefully the whole experience will make a good submission for the Stoga Film Festival.

SAM pulls up to MEREDITH's house and honks twice.

SAM
Here she comes.

MEREDITH gets in the car. SAM makes a three point turn and leaves her driveway.

SAM
Hey cutie, how's it going?

MEREDITH
Pretty good. Where are we going for lunch?

SAM
It's up to you.

MEREDITH
Please just pick.

SAM
Is Chipotle okay?

MEREDITH
Yeah, it's kind of far away though.

SAM
Are you okay with waiting? Are you hungry?

MEREDITH
No, I'm fine.

SAM makes a left.

MEREDITH
Isn't Chipotle that way?

SAM
I have to stop somewhere really fast.

MEREDITH
Where?

SAM (smiling)
Don't worry about it.

MEREDITH
No, where?

On screen: BELLZ YEAH FILM PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS...
On screen: An Exposition
On screen: Act I

SAM and MEREDITH pull up at JESSE's house. SAM honks.

MEREDITH
Is someone else coming with us? I thought -

She sees JESSE.

MEREDITH
Oh (bleep), Sam, are you kidding?

SAM (over)
Meredith, it's a chance for you to get to know-

MEREDITH (over)
I already know him I don't like-

SAM (over)
He's my best friend-

MEREDITH (over)
I don't make you-

JESSE opens the door. The car falls silent. MEREDITH is pissed. She gets out.

MEREDITH
Jesse, you can sit up front.

JESSE
No, it's fine. You can have it.

MEREDITH
Just take it.

SAM
Hey guys, my coat is too heavy anyway. Just both of you sit in back and I'll put it here.

A beat, then they both get in the back.

SAM (looking at the camera, winking)
Just throw some of that stuff up here.

He pulls away.

2 - Int. Car - Morning - 2

A quick cut to a few minutes later.

MEREDITH and JESSE are staring out the window. The car is silent.

3 - Int. Car - Morning - 3

A few minutes after that. The radio is on. SAM mouths along to "Party in the USA".

MEREDITH (annoyed)
Could you turn that off? I have a headache?

SAM
What?

MEREDITH
Turn it off.

SAM
Oh, yeah, sure.

4 – Int. Car – morning – 4

Silence again.

SAM
So where do you guys want to go after Chipotle?

MEREDITH
Home.

JESSE (simultaneously)
Home is fine.

SAM
I kind of wanted to go bowling. Would that be okay with you guys?

Silence from the back.

SAM
Cool.

5 - Int. Car - Morning - 5

Silence still. SAM looks in the mirror.

SAM
So have you guys been to Chipotle before?

MEREDITH
I went with you last time and you forgot me in the bathroom.

JESSE
No.

SAM
Do you know what you'll get?

MEREDITH
I think two soft tacos.

SAM
They only sell them in ones and threes.

MEREDITH
No they sell them in twos too.

SAM
No, they-

MEREDITH
I got two of them when I visited Kenyon.

SAM
I think they're experimenting with a cheaper menu or something.

JESSE
Or you could just order two single tacos.

SAM
Well yeah but you waste money.

MEREDITH
You waste more money buying a taco you won't eat.

JESSE (over top of MEREDITH, agreeing)
It's more wasteful to throw out a taco.

They look at each other and laugh. SAM looks a little hurt.

6 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 6

The car is parked, and everyone is eating. MEREDITH has two soft tacos.

SAM
I can't believe they sold them in twos.

MEREDITH
I told you.

SAM
Baby I know you did.

JESSE
Meredith, thanks for the recommendation. This steak is great.

SAM
The chicken is better.

MEREDITH
No it's not.

JESSE
I don't like chicken. I thought you knew that.

SAM
Oh, I guess I forgot.

MEREDITH
His memory sucks.

SAM
No it - it's fine.

MEREDITH looks at JESSE and shakes her head secretly.

7 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 7

SAM is driving. MEREDITH and JESSE are talking in the back. They are warming up to each other.

MEREDITH
So what is this game called?

JESSE
Team Fortress 2.

MEREDITH
I've never heard of it.

SAM
I've told you about it like a million times!

MEREDITH
I don't think you have.

8 - Int. Car - Afternoon - 8

MEREDITH and JESSE are laughing. SAM looks annoyed.

9 - Int. Car - Afternoon – 9

They’re still laughing.

10 – Int. Car – Afternoon – 10

They stop laughing, slowly. A few giggles here and there.

SAM
Hey I’m going to stop to get some water real quick.

He pulls into the station and puts the car in park. He gets out.

SAM
Do you guys need anything?

MEREDITH and JESSE shake their heads, still laughing. SAM shuts the door and leaves.

MEREDITH
I still can’t believe she would call you that.

JESSE
I know! Isn’t that crazy.

They look at each other. Their eyes lock.

A beat, then:

They begin making out frantically.

Cut to black.

Knight